


your heartbeat is a waltz

by setoso



Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Robots & Androids, Angst, Angst with a happy ending?, Brief depiction of violence, Character Death but not really?, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, It Gets Better, M/M, Secret Santa, Slow Burn, i mean it's an androids au what did you expect, kssc one year exchange, pondering over issues of consent
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-20
Updated: 2020-02-20
Packaged: 2021-02-26 12:56:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 32,368
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22819162
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/setoso/pseuds/setoso
Summary: Yuzuru looks eerily calm despite the fact that he’s leaking purple fluid all over Javier’s arms.
Relationships: Javier Fernández/Yuzuru Hanyu
Comments: 34
Kudos: 82
Collections: The KSSC Gift Exchange!





	your heartbeat is a waltz

**Author's Note:**

  * For [fieryrondo](https://archiveofourown.org/users/fieryrondo/gifts).

> Thanks to Tess for listening to me ramble about this and offering feedback and suggestions, and also to [scribblingsquirrel](/users/scribblingsquirrel/) for the wonderful beta ♥
> 
> **Please don't repost or share my work in any way or form!**

  
  
  


_Yuzuru looks eerily calm despite the fact that he’s leaking purple fluid all over Javier’s arms._

_“You look scared,” Yuzuru mentions. It’s an almost casual remark, as if he’s not on the brink of dying or shutting down or whatever it is that androids do when their physical bodies are giving up on them._

_“You think?” Javier says, voice nearly hysterical. He keeps pushing against the ruptures on Yuzuru’s belly, but it doesn’t seem to make much of a difference. The part of Javier’s mind that’s not utterly overwhelmed by panic logically supplies that this can’t help in the case of an android, that Yuzuru’s blood can’t coagulate, and the rate at which he’s losing the purple fluid isn’t going to slow down, no matter how hard Javier presses against the wound._

_“Why? The threat has been neutralized. You have no reason to feel unsafe anymore,” Yuzuru insists, head lolling to the side._

_“Because you’re bleeding all over me! There’s a gaping hole in your stomach, I-”_

_“There is no need to worry about me. I’ve already contacted the police and help is on the way. Your vitals are functioning as they should be and-” Yuzuru’s eyes flash for a second and he frowns as he tries to straighten up. “No. You have an unnaturally accelerating heartbeat and signs of limited oxygen supply to your lungs, probably due to shock. There also seems to be extensive swelling on your ankle. You should sit down and try to relax while I-”_

_“Shut up! Jesus, just shut up,” Javier cuts him off, voice breaking. He can feel his own pulse drumming in his ears and he almost gets sick. The sight of Yuzuru looking nonplussed when there’s so much blood everywhere is turning his stomach inside out. Three bullets around the stomach, two in the torso, a messed up knee, heavy blows to the head… There’s a long gash on his temple, oozing that same slightly fluorescent purple fluid, but Javier touched the back of his head earlier and it felt wet too, so there’s probably another minor break there, most likely caused by his fall on the metal rails when he collapsed._

_Yuzuru closes his mouth, but it’s not for long. “Due to safety concerns, I can’t do that. I need you to calm down and breathe slowly, to avoid hurting yourself. Just follow my lead,” Yuzuru takes a hold of Javier’s hand from where it’s pressed against his messed up stomach and pushes it up a bit so that it rests against his chest. He smiles reassuringly as his other hand gently cradles Javier’s face. “Like this.”_

_For a moment it almost works, Javier focusing on the curving corners of his mouth, inhaling loudly. But that fickle sense of comfort instantly flickers out when Javier realizes that Yuzuru’s ribcage is expanding in a rhythm that is declining rapidly, as he slowly loses control over the artificial muscles under the layer of imitation skin._

_“No, no,” Javier whispers, not even noticing the tears streaming down his face._

_“It’s going to be okay, Javi,” Yuzuru reassures again, but his voice is flat and mechanical instead of the usual comforting tone, his system already shutting down non-vital functions, like voice tone control, to conserve whatever’s left of his energy for more important tasks. His body has stopped the micro-movements that were meant to make him blend in with humans, his temperature dropping fast. It’s freaking Javier out, the way his face stays petrified, his eyes unblinking. He’s never had to witness Yuzuru like this and in a moment of clarity in between all the chaos he realizes that this is because, somewhere along the line, he had stopped thinking about Yuzuru as an android, as something non-human, as someone different from himself._

_A part of his brain, the one that’s constantly out hunting for clues, tries to understand when this change took place, what exactly was it that triggered it. Was it something superficial, like getting comfortable with the idea that Yuzuru looked physically attractive to him and acting on that attraction, despite how shameful it felt at first? Was it the clever programming, the human-like learning pattern and Yuzuru’s ability to adapt to all his whims and demands, making him an excellent assistant and partner? Was it something else- was it- that moment in the balcony, when Yuzuru had smiled so softly, his face colored in the hues of the setting sun as he-_

_“Ten seconds to shutdown. Reset required.”_

_The mechanical words wrench a sob out of Javier as he pulls Yuzuru’s unmoving body against his chest._

_“Yuzu, you have to believe me, I never meant to-” he’s cut off by a strange whirring sound. It barely lasts a couple seconds and Javier knows what it means._

_He stays there, kneeling on the floor in silence, clutching Yuzuru’s battered body until the police arrive._

  


  


~

  


  


“Why are we agreeing to this?” Javier tries to stop his knee from jiggling, but it’s near impossible.

Brian doesn’t even spare him a glance, his attention having shifted back to his monitor; a clear sign that he deems the conversation to be over. “Because they’ve signed to sponsor us with a number of disposable android models for emergencies. We’re cutting down on the risk of losing actual people from our department in case of fires, national disasters, shootings, anything that could potentially endanger our personnel.”

Running a hand through his hair, Javier finally uncrosses his legs and puts his foot down. The leather of his shoes looks dull and parched; they've been looking this way for weeks now. He makes a mental note to finally set aside some time to give them a good shining. “And who’s got the final say on the information they get? What if something sensitive leaks and then we have to deal with the shitstorm that ensues?”

Brian spares him a sideways glance that makes Javier feel like a child that got caught skipping class. “That’s why we had the contract triple proofread by the branch’s lawyers, to make sure we’ve covered all that. Do you really think I’d show up here with a robot in tow for you to play with, if i hadn’t read the instructions manual first?”

Javier bites on his tongue. “No, Brian. You’re right.”

“Good. On your way now. And take the tincan with you. The manual’s already emailed to you.”

With a barely concealed huff, Javier gets up. He ends up lingering awkwardly before the door.

“Brian? Why me?”

Brian looks straight at him over the glasses resting on the bridge of his nose, unblinking. His hair seems to have thinned out a lot in the past couple months, since Javier last had dinner with him.

“Because I trust you the most not to break it in the first week,” he says easily and Javier nods and turns away, some of the tension leaving his shoulders. Brian clears his throat pointedly, now that some of the formality has been dissipated. “Say hi to Tracy before you leave. She’s been missing you a lot, but thinks she’ll only pester you if she calls too often. And drop by for dinner. It’s been some time.”

Javier grins at him, raising his hand in a mock salute, pleased to finally see the wrinkle between Brian’s eyebrows smoothing out, the ghost of a smile tugging the corners of his lips up.

“Now, shoo.”

“Yes, sir.”

Once the door is closed behind him, Javier leans his weight onto it, letting his forehead clunk gently against it. 

It’s a Monday, 9:17 A.M., and he already has a headache. He barely spares a look at the android that’s sitting all straight and prim in one of the chairs in the waiting room.

“Follow me.”

  
  
  
  
  
  


“So, ah… This is our department. Where we do… criminal investigation.”

Javier feels more and more like a fool as he gestures at the office area and the people buzzing behind the glass door. He feels even more ridiculous about the fact he can’t make himself look properly at the android next to him. 

He’d stolen glances, on the drive here. If Brian hadn’t told him, he probably wouldn’t have been able to notice that the person he was accompanying wasn’t human.

He’d been aware of androids, of course; how could he not. Over the past decade he had seen the polished advertisements, the hefty promises of a new era. He’d even had the chance to talk to some of them before, for a couple of their cases. They had been mass-produced and low-cost basic machines.

But this. This is entirely different and it scares Javier as much as it fascinates him, the uncanny semblance to a human. The few scattered imperfections on its appearance and the unpolished way it moves create the illusion that it’s not man-made. Everything about it looks real, from the warm color of its eyes to the way its skin folds as it inclines its head politely.

“Right,” Javier says through his teeth and pushes the door open, trying to ignore everyone’s gaze suddenly burning into him, then on the figure following closely behind.

“Woah,” Nam exclaims as he gets up, trying to get a better look. “I was gonna say something along the lines of how we’re not worthy enough to be blessed with this opportunity but, man. This is surreal. We’re working with a robot now, and if science fiction has taught me anything it’s that we’re all going to be dead in about a week or so.”

Jason slaps a hand on his back, ignoring the ensuing groan. “Don’t be ridiculous.”

Javier clears his throat. “Brian assured me that this is perfectly safe, so there’s nothing to worry about. Apart from you, Nam, you better be on your fucking toes in case you piss me off again.”

Evgenia leans over her desk, eyes shining. “What’s your name?”

Javier expected the male voice, but is not prepared for how smooth it sounds or how even the smallest of facial movements is almost perfectly synced to it. 

“My name is Yuzuru, but I will adjust to whatever it is you decide to call me.”

“Sweet,” Nam murmurs under his breath.

“Uh. Cool, let’s keep Yuzuru for now,” Javier says. “He’s going to act as my personal assistant, but as long as he’s in our unit he can be of help to whoever needs it most at the moment.” He scans the empty desks. “Where are Patrick and Katelyn?”

“They’ve gone to interview the-” Jason stops abruptly, brows knitted together in a silent question.

“It’s alright, his safety protocols are fine-tuned to handle any kind of sensitive information. You can treat him just like any other member of our team,” Javier regurgitates Brian’s earlier words.

“Awesome. They’re interviewing the family and witnesses of the missing girl. Should be back in a couple hours, I asked them to drop by the local police station to get any leftover evidence.”

“Right.” Everyone keeps staring at the android expectantly and Javier makes an impatient motion with his hand. “Back to work.”

Nam whines in protest, but quickly quiets down and hides behind his monitor when Javier shoots him an annoyed look.

“This way,” Javier nods towards his small office.

  
  
  
  
  
  


It’s awkward. Javier is still unsure of how he’s supposed to act. Yuzuru looks too real to be treated in the same manner as Javier’s slowly dying printer. His hands are neatly clasped together in front of him as he sits on the worn out chair that Javier managed to squeeze in the only empty space left in his office. The android keeps its eyes trailed on Javier at all times, as if waiting for something.

Javier keeps averting his gaze, uncomfortable at being caught staring. He’s not aware of how tense he’s been, of the ache spreading in his shoulders, until Evgenia calls for him and he leans out the door in relief.

In an almost childish attempt to escape the android, he camps out in Patrick’s vacant cubicle, ignoring Jason’s questioning glance and Nam’s waggly eyebrows. It works for a little while, granting him some much needed peace, but eventually Yuzuru wanders out, seemingly in search for him.

Honestly, Javier didn’t expect to get into an argument so early into their predicament. He’s not sure what exactly sparks the frustration inside him, if it’s the pounding in his head or something else entirely. All he knows is that he’s raised his voice and Yuzuru keeps staring at him in the same vacant, infuriating way.

Even Yuzuru’s steady voice manages to somehow grate on his nerves. “While it’s not necessary for us to get along, it would make working together marginally easier, so I have to advise in favor of that approach.” 

Javier very deliberately raises his brows at the choice of words. As far as he’s aware, he’s not working _together_ with a robot, he just has a new assistant to run searches on the database for him without having to reach for his computer.

“I’ve no problem doing it the hard way,” he points out and then glares at the way Nam snickers from behind his monitor.

“Alright,” Yuzuru responds and then he just stands there, with his hands crossed behind his back. Once again staring at Javier.

Javier lasts a whole 7 minutes like this. “Are you gonna stand there all day, like the grim reaper?” he spits, unnerved, slamming the space bar down much harder than the poor keyboard deserved.

Yuzuru tilts his head to the side. “Isn’t this what you wanted?”

“What? No, I-” Javi lets out a long breath as he rubs at his face. “Fine, get me some coffee.”

“Right away.”

Nam doesn’t even try to hide his laughter this time. “I like him!”

Javier throws an empty noodle cup at him.

  
  
  
  
  
  


At the end of the day, Javier is more than ready to book it. Usually he’d stay behind, caught up in one thing or another. The janitor used to give him so much grief for staying in the office when he technically shouldn’t be there, but Javier made sure to smile extra brightly when requesting for a key of his own and then for the password to the electronic lock. He might not be the best when it comes to dealing with people, but Javier knows he’s got an easygoing smile and is not above taking advantage of that. 

Now he’s beginning to realize that his carefully crafted routine might just be in shambles. He’s also not sure what Yuzuru is supposed to do during the night. The manual might have helped, if Javier had found the time or energy to even download the file, much less go through the mountain of information.

“Please don’t touch anything until someone’s here tomorrow.” He hopes that’s good enough of a command and that they won't come in the next day only to find the whole place burned down.

Yuzuru inclines his head. A tuft of dark hair slips from behind his ear and he raises a hand to push it back. “Alright.”

Javier hesitates with his hand on the door. “Should I leave the lights on?”

“It’s not necessary.”

It feels so strange, locking the door with the knowledge that someone is still inside, there in the dark. It feels as though Javier is caging someone, and he is eager to get rid of that thought as quickly as he can.

That night, as he feeds the stray cats outside his home, Javier tries not to think about Yuzuru being locked in the floor of their office. He wonders if perhaps he was brought to Brian in a big box, his limbs neatly wrapped up.

  
  
  
  
  
  


Patrick is back the next day and he seems appropriately traumatized as he corners Javier next to the water dispenser. 

“He kept staring at me. I don’t know what he wants. Is he safe to be around?”

Jason smiles gracefully as he passes by. “I think it’s because Javi was next to you. He’s like a duckling that’s imprinted on him.”

“What?” Patrick keeps adding sugar packets to his coffee. He’s poured five so far, and Javier is starting to get worried.

“He’s not going to go crazy and murder you, okay?” he reassures, frowning as Patrick practically rips apart a sixth packet.

“But he keeps staring!”

“Well, ask him why he’s staring then!”

Patrick’s eyes go wide. “Yeah. Yeah, I might do that.” He takes one sip from his coffee and then conveniently forgets the cup behind before leaving.

  
  
  
  
  
  


“Yuzuru, look up any unresolved cases of hit and runs in the past two months?” Javier utters the words absentmindedly, taking off his glasses to rub at his swollen eyes. When there’s no response he glances curiously at the seated android. “Didn’t you hear?”

“Excuse me, are you talking to me?” Dark, glossy eyes blink at him. Yuzuru is back at his favorite spot, in the worn out chair that barely fits behind Javier’s office door. He sure seems to like sitting there.

Like annoying grains of sand, irritation trickles inside Javier, feeding the already existing frustration and exhaustion. “Isn’t that your name?”

A slight tilt of the head to the right. “My name is Honey. Please, refer to me as such if you require my assistance.”

Now it’s Javier’s turn to blink. From outside the tiny room, someone can be heard trying to muffle their desperate snickering.

“Laugh while you still can, Nam,” Javier hollers, probably more loudly than necessary. He takes a sip from the mug on his desk, wincing at how cold the coffee’s gotten. “Honey, I need you to look up any unresolved cases of hit and runs that span the last two months.” He rolls his eyes when the snickering escalates to wheezing laughter and more giggles join in.

“Right away, sir.”

“Also, Honey-” An exploding guffaw, someone can be heard slapping their thigh. “How do I change the name you respond to?”

  


  


~

  


  


It’s not the last time this happens. In the span of the next two days Yuzuru’s name gets changed to “Sweety”, “Doll”, “Mastermind”, “Loverboy”, “Our Lord and Savior” as well as a variety of other pop culture references. Javier knows it’s all in good fun, not particularly meant to spite him, plus everyone seems to be enjoying the lighter mood at work. But having to go through the administrative process of changing the android’s name gets tiring after a while. He half jokingly threatens to suspend Nam for a week if he doesn’t stop. After that, it’s just “Yuzuru”.

Javi gets used to it.

  
  
  
  
  
  


All in all, it takes six days before Javier comes in to find Yuzuru slumped in his chair, unresponsive. It’s a Sunday, so Javier is technically not even supposed to be there, and this only feeds into his panic. 

He thinks of Brian’s trust in taking care of this investment and guilt sits heavy on his chest. It takes him a minute to backtrack his emails enough to find the one with Yuzuru’s manual in it. On the first page, in bold letters, there’s a phone number for maintenance. Feeling not alike to a criminal that tries not to get caught, he quickly makes the call. 

The girl that answers sounds way too cheerful for the early hour. It takes Javier a while to explain the situation, and he immediately feels like a fool afterwards.

“Did you try recharging the android?” the girl asks, with a tone that suggests she did in fact expect Javier to not have done so and is not judging him for it. 

Javier clearly remembers at least one instance of himself making fun of people who’d call for tech support only to realize that they hadn’t plugged their computer in, but fate seems to have a cruel way of playing with him lately.

“Ah, well...No.”

“If you’re still running on factory settings, then you should have instructed your android to charge itself when it needs to, usually during the nighttime.”

Suddenly Javier is reminded of that first night, of telling Yuzuru he shouldn’t touch anything. He probably shouldn’t have done that. He’s glad this is a simple voice call and his flush of embarrassment can’t be seen, as the girl patiently explains the procedure to him. She also takes the time to inform him about the difference between factory and manual settings, something Javier had no idea even existed.

“If you’d like to have utmost control, then you can keep the current settings. But, considering your situation, the model in question and amount of time that spans this trial period, we’d definitely recommend going manual, where the android slowly learns for itself. There's been a lot of work poured into programming this model’s self-learning ability, so we'd be more than happy if you could try it out and offer any feedback you can. We’re constantly issuing patches and updating our service, based on the things we learn from the android itself and from your messages.”

At this point Javier is just glad he’s not being yelled at for poor handling, so he doesn’t dare offer any kind of resistance.

“Great! Please, don’t hesitate to contact us if you have any other concerns.”

After hanging up, Javier takes a minute to gather his thoughts. It’s not easy. He takes a long look at Yuzuru, still in that chair. Truth is, Javier had briefly wondered why Yuzuru chose to spend so much time seated in that worn out thing, but it never crossed his mind that he might have been trying to conserve his energy.

It’s not easy finding the carefully concealed charging port on the inside of the android’s elbow either. Four to five hours should be enough, the maintenance girl had said. Yuzuru doesn’t run on electricity, she had also tried to explain, merely needs it as a kickstarter to get the rest of his internal generators running. Even if Javier hadn’t tuned out during that part, he doubts he’d be able to make any sense of it.

Letting Yuzuru charge, Javier sits heavily in his own chair and spreads out his legs until his joints pop with the most satisfying sound. There’s a certain charm to an empty office, in the rare moments when the silence doesn’t hang heavy. Javier likes his team, every single one of them, despite their tendency to drive him crazy. There’s enjoyment to be found in the low murmurs outside his office door; in the warm smile in Jason’s face as he waters the awful array of potted plants lining their windows, or in the way Evgenia bops her head to the music blasting from her earphones. Yet he can’t deny how their absence can also be soothing at times, in its own way. Javier can forget his empty mug wherever he wants and not have to apologize, he can talk to himself without anyone shaking their head at him and he doesn’t need to explain his reason for choosing to order pizza instead of bringing a healthy meal from home.

_I think you were born an extrovert and then somehow turned into half an introvert along the way_, his sister used to tell him. Javier preferred to think of it as wanting the best of both worlds.

It’s well into the evening when Javier remembers Yuzuru. The image of him with the thin wire protruding from his arm reminds Javier of hospitals, of patients hooked into IVs as they lifelessly lie down, waiting; always waiting.

With trembling hands, he unplugs him from the wall. A familiar vacant gaze greets him almost immediately and he leans back, at a more comfortable distance. He still has a loose hold around the crook of Yuzuru’s elbow, and with the tiniest flick of his thumb he flips the switch there. There’s no immediate reaction and for a second Javier thinks he’s done something wrong. But after a few moments Yuzuru requests the administrative password, the one that Brian gave to Javier in a neatly printed card.

“Are you sure you want to enable manual settings?”

Is he? Javier is simply following what the maintenance girl advised him to do.

“Yeah,” he says.

“The process might take a few minutes.”

When Yuzuru opens his eyes again, a good forty-five minutes later, his gaze flies all around the room instead of simply lingering on Javier.

“You can look around, if you want,” Javier tells him, noticing the way he keeps craning his neck towards the half open door, trying to catch a glimpse of the rest of the space outside.

“Thank you,” Yuzuru says and gets up, straightening out his pants as he does so.

“Don’t t-” Javier cuts himself off halfway. The last time he told Yuzuru not to touch anything, it didn’t turn out that well. “Just don’t break anything, okay?”

“I’ll be careful,” Yuzuru nods and then smiles, before stepping outside.

Huh. That’s new.

Javier exhales loudly and goes back to work. He tries not to focus too much on the sound of Yuzuru’s footsteps.

  
  
  
  
  
  


Javier rubs at his wrist tiredly. He’d been typing furiously the whole day, trying to work through some of the lingering stacks of files on his desk.

“Why do you keep doing this?” comes the unexpected question from his right. Yuzuru is staring at him again. He’d wandered back to Javier’s office eventually, to turn on the lights when the sun outside started setting. Javier had blinked furiously, having gotten used to just the illumination from the screen in front of him, but hadn’t commented otherwise. Yuzuru had seemed content to sit in silence, carefully studying Javier and the space around him. 

Javier resigns himself to a much needed break, sliding down in his seat and stretching his cramped legs under his desk. “Doing what?” he asks. Absentmindedly he notes the time, how late it’s gotten. It’s awfully quiet with just the two of them left here. If Javier was alone he’d play some music, but having another presence around makes him hold back on the impulse.

“Typing.”

Javier can feel his eyes narrowing slightly. “These reports need to be reviewed, then digitized. What else am I supposed to do?”

Yuzuru narrows his eyes too, only for a split second, as if he’s trying to mirror Javier’s expression but ends up deciding otherwise in the end. “Why don’t you let me help?”

“I wish I could shove that thing-” Javier gestures at the looming piles of papers “-to you and let you break your hands typing everything, but it’s not just copying everything down. I need to... Think about these things, make adjustments, corrections. Stuff. It’s not mindless labor.” The last bit could have been said in a far kinder way, but Javier’s too tired to feel guilty about hurting an android’s programmed feelings.

There’s no indication that Yuzuru is offended, as he merely tilts his head to the side. “I could use my Voice Link.”

“Your what, now?”

A small smile appears in Yuzuru’s face as he closes his eyes. He looks so peaceful, dark lashes resting on his cheeks. It’s a little mocking, compared to how utterly exhausted Javier feels.

“Try speaking aloud what you’d type in the next segment,” Yuzuru says carefully, eyes still shut.

Javier regards him quietly for a while. So far there hadn’t been a chance for him to really pay attention to the android without feeling like he’s being watched in return, his curious interest being catalogued somewhere in the vast network of information that makes up Yuzuru’s core hard drive.

There’s a mole on the side of Yuzuru’s neck, small and dark, a stark contrast against his pale skin. Javier’s spotted that before, but it’s the first time he notices the one right next to Yuzuru’s lashes, on his top lid. What an immensely random decision, placing it there. Not for the first time, Javier wonders about the people that design androids; where do they get their inspiration? How do they feel about their creations? What are the thoughts behind every decision regarding the physical traits they bestow upon these mechanical beings? It might be pure algorithms, Javier’s mind supplies; endless survey data about features that humans find non-threatening or even attractive.

“Whenever you’re ready,” Yuzuru reminds him, his smile never fading. 

Taking a deep breath, Javier focuses on the stack of papers in front of him. Now is not the time to wonder what Yuzuru’s creators had in mind while molding him; if they regarded him as a child that took time and painful effort to nurture or if they built him as a placeholder for some of their personal, intimate fantasies.

With a steady voice, he begins dictating. Embarrassingly enough, it takes him a while to realize that his words appear as text on his screen immediately after he speaks them. 

“Yeah, but what if I need to make adjustments?” he asks. He’s hunched close to the screen, checking for any mistakes.

“Tell me,” Yuzuru says simply.

“I need the last sentence at the start of the paragraph- Ah. Yes.” Javier’s surprised at the speed of the connection. In the midst of wondering if Yuzuru would be able to do the same from a longer distance he berates himself for never going through the manual that Brian offered him on the day they first met. There could be a million ways to make his work easier, really take advantage of the expensive functions programmed into his assistant, and he’s utterly ignorant to them.

He only realizes he’s gone silent after Yuzuru gently prompts him again, “Keep going. I’m listening.”

“Why do you close your eyes?” The question burns Javier’s tongue with how unnecessary it is.

A gentle hum emerges from Yuzuru’s throat, as if he’s taking Javier’s question into serious consideration and carefully constructing his answer. “It makes it a little easier when I don’t have to balance image input at the same time.” It’s said in such plain honesty, the same way Javier would admit that he can’t listen to ten people talking over each other at once.

“Huh,” is all he manages to respond with.

“Go on,” Yuzuru reminds him once more. His smile has gotten slightly bigger, but it’s still a delicate thing, almost as if he knows Javier could easily misunderstand its tenderness for condescension.

“Thank you.” Javier is not entirely sure why he chooses this moment to say it. Maybe it’s the headache that’s been brewing behind his forehead all day, maybe it’s the sound of a soothing voice keeping him company when there’s no one else around. Maybe it’s the thought that Yuzuru is trying to respond appropriately to Javier’s needs, despite not getting the warmest welcome.

Yuzuru folds his hands on top of each other, in his lap. “You’re welcome,” he replies. “Please, go on.”

Javier spares one last glance at the clock. It’s past midnight.

“Okay.”

  


  


~

  


  


“Are you leaving?”

Javier pauses momentarily with only one sleeve of his jacket on. “I have to go home.”

Yuzuru blinks repeatedly a couple times. One of his hands is gripping the edge of Evgenia’s desk, the other hanging by his side. He’s pulled down his sleeve, wrapping his fist around the stretchy fabric of his shirt. It’s what Javier did while resting his hands earlier. “Is it far away?”

“It’s not too close.”

“Isn’t it easier to live close to your work?”

Javier slips his phone into his pocket. His eyes sting from the lack of sleep. “You’re very talkative all of a sudden.”

“Does it bother you?” There’s a small frown between Yuzuru’s thin eyebrows, a light crinkle in his otherwise flawless skin.

“No, it’s just new. You barely opened your mouth before.”

“I want to know more about you.”

Javier is stalling at this point. He’s more than ready to leave, the tiredness in his limbs no longer offering a sense of achievement or comfort but turning into a weight that he needs dispelled.

“It’s late. I have to go.”

Yuzuru wraps his hands together, his mouth turning thin. “I understand.”

Javier lingers for a couple seconds. “Should I leave the lights on?” Something about the whole exchange feels strange and new in a way that Javier’s not sure he’s experienced before in the past week.

Dark eyes peer at him. “Yes, please. If it’s not much trouble.”

“Alright. Uh…” 

“I won’t break anything.” Yuzuru repeats Javier’s words from earlier. He somehow manages to sound dejected.

“Okay.” With a half hearted attempt at a hand wave, Javier turns around and goes through the threshold.

Yuzuru’s voice is drowned halfway behind the heavy door. “See you tomorrow.”

  
  
  
  
  
  


Only two kittens are meowing at his doorstep tonight, and Javier opens a can of wet food. He makes sure to put out enough for both, to avoid any hissing matches. Or maybe because he feels guilty, like he’s not showcasing enough care. The image of Yuzuru wringing his hands slips into his mind.

Exhaustion pulls at his limbs, turning his moves sluggish. Yet, as he lies down in his bed, sleep eludes him. He’s felt this before, this sense of being so tired it’s simply impossible to let yourself relax enough to fall asleep.

  
  
  
  
  
  


“Hi,” Yuzuru greets him with a small smile the next morning. “You didn’t get enough rest?”

“Javi doesn’t need rest,” Nam pipes up. “He’s a vampire.”

Javier takes a wild guess that he looks as horrible as he feels. He flips Nam off, expecting the ensuing laugh and revelling at the sense of familiarity it offers. He’d been feeling unhinged since yesterday, like something inside him didn’t slot right the way it was supposed to. It’s been ages since he’s last been late to work.

“Vampires don’t exist,” Yuzuru sounds a little confused. Javier is not sure, but he doesn’t think Yuzuru sounded so animated before the switch to manual. His voice from before hadn’t exactly been the same monotone drilling that accompanied most automated services, but it was impossible to pick a distinct emotion out of it. Now, most of his words ring different, a newfound sense of something _more_ lurking behind them.

“Yet here I am,” Javier mumbles as he allows himself to drop into his chair. He lets out a long sigh. “Why is it so bright?”

His eyes are closed, but he can tell when the light in the room dissipates. He hears the telltale beeping of the blinds shutting halfway.

“Do you want coffee? Evgenia said to bring you some when you arrive.”

Cracking an eye open, Yuzuru’s silhouette is hazy against the muted light peeking through the blinds. 

“Yeah. Thanks.”

“No problem, Javier.”

His name sounds unfamiliar coming from Yuzuru. It somehow manages to blend together Evgenia’s heavy accent, Nam’s playfulness, Jason’s sweet tone and Patrick’s casual way of stressing the “r” sound at the end.

Sleep has a weird way of coming unannounced when you least expect it, and Javier doesn’t realize he’s slipped into unconsciousness until something brushes his arm. He jerks his hand out of reflex, eyes snapping wide when a cracking sound comes from his left.

The mug of coffee that Yuzuru must have held a second ago is broken in half near the foot of his desk. 

“Jesus,” Javier mumbles, taking in the rapidly spreading stain on Yuzuru’s cream colored shirt. “I’m sorry.”

The coffee must have been scalding hot, but Yuzuru shows no immediate sign of pain. “It’s alright.” He gently dabs a couple paper towels across his belly, but it doesn’t do much in absorbing the liquid.

“Your shirt…”

Yuzuru shakes his head. “It’s alright,” he insists, but his voice sounds a little off, like he’s embarrassed, almost. 

“You should change into something dry. Ah, shit.” Javier rubs a hand across his face. “You don’t have any spare clothes, do you?”

Yuzuru is staring at the floor. He nods, his fluffy hair bouncing around his head. A single strand stands up among the rest and Javier drowns down the insistent itch to smooth it down with the rest of his hair.

“I’ll just- Wait.” There’s a white collared button down and a tie that hang in a garment bag from one of the hooks on Javier’s wall, hidden behind the enormous calendar that Patrick got him two years ago as an April Fool’s joke. They’re for emergencies, in case Javier needs to look formal. “Here,” he says as he offers the shirt to Yuzuru. “You can put this on for now.”

“But it’s yours.”

“It’s alright, I don’t mind.”

Slowly, Yuzuru extends his hand, the one that’s not clutching the soiled paper towels. “Thank you.”

While Yuzuru is changing in the washroom, Javier mops up the spilled coffee and carefully sweeps the cheap porcelain shards in the trash. 

“Is everything okay?” Evgenia leans into his office, her long untamed hair spilling like a fiery waterfall across her shoulder.

“Yeah, we’re good.”

“Is Yuzu alright?” Somehow, it shouldn’t surprise Javier that Evgenia already has a loving nickname for their newest addition to the office.

“His clothes got dirty. He looked fine.” Javier shrugs.

“You should get him more clothes. He’ll get bored wearing the same thing every day.”

Javier stills, hunched down on his knees. “I don’t think he can get bored.”

“I think now he can feel a lot more things than you give him credit for,” Evgenia rubs a finger across the tip of her nose. She doesn’t sound judgmental, just factual.

“Fine, yeah, I’ll get him some stuff.”

“Cool. Ah, here comes my favorite person!” Evgenia coos as she stands on her tiptoes to pat Yuzuru’s cheeks, pushing a couple tufts of stray hair behind his ears. It brings a smile to his face, eyes crinkling. “Don’t let Javi boss you around too much,” she stage whispers to him, sending Javier a knowing glance and then skipping away with one last hand wave.

The dirty shirt is bunched up under Yuzuru’s arm. Javier’s pristine shirt doesn’t sit well enough on him, too wide across the shoulders, baggy in the middle and a little long on the sleeves. It’s better than nothing, though, and it will have to do for the rest of the day.

“I need to clean this, but I don’t have the proper equipment,” Yuzuru holds out the dirty bundle of fabric. His new clothes make him look a little like a puffed up marshmallow and Javier’s reminded of the fact he hasn’t had breakfast yet.

“Don’t worry about it. I’ll wash it when I get home.”

Absentmindedly Javier dumps the soiled shirt somewhere on his left. He’s just turned on his computer when he notices that Yuzuru hasn’t budged from his spot.

“Do you need anything?” Javier asks. 

“I should be asking you that, I think.”

Javier bites on the inside of his cheek. He forcefully reminds himself that Yuzuru is supposed to be his assistant, not a child he got saddled with and needs to take care of. It’s easy to slip into the latter mindset, when Yuzuru has been looking so tentative after the switch to manual. “Go see if the others need any help. I’ll call you if I want something.”

“Okay, Javi.”

Javier jerks slightly at the unexpected word, raising his head, but Yuzuru is already turned around and walking away. Everyone here addresses him this way, so he doesn’t understand why something about Yuzuru in particular using the same nickname leaves him faltering.

He tries to shrug this weird feeling off, concentrating on his work. 

A phone call from Gabby demands him to leave soon after.

He’s surprised to find Yuzuru wearing one of Evgenia’s kitty shaped earphones, nodding his head along the rhythm in a perfect imitation of her. He’s got delicate looking fingers, Javier notes, as they weave expertly in her hair, braiding it.

“You leaving?” Evgenia always speaks more loudly than necessary when listening to her music.

“Yeah. Gabby needs help with the new case. The one I emailed you yesterday.”

“I don’t check my work email on Sundays,” Evgenia says with a smile, giving him a thumbs up. “I’ll read it now.”

Javier momentarily wants to ask Yuzuru to come with him, because he has a feeling that he’d be helpful with his apparent myriad of different functions Javier is not aware of yet. He makes a mental note to actually go through the manual one of these days. But Yuzuru looks so innocently content next to Evgenia, that Javier feels reluctant to interrupt them.

“I’ll be back soon. I hope,” he says with a sigh that he tries to keep as dignified as possible.

“Javi, you have trouble sleeping again? You look dead lately. Maybe you should go to the gym. Throw some punches. Get laid.”

“Thanks, Zhenya, I appreciate the sentiment,” Javier says, letting the sarcasm drip in excess from his mouth. “Bye,” he pointedly adds, before she has time to follow up with a comeback. The door shuts loudly behind him.

  


  


~

  


  


_Don’t forget about Yuzu_, Evgenia messages him a couple hours later, when it’s nearing evening and Javier still hasn’t made it back, as promised.

When he eventually crawls through the door, the place is abandoned, as expected. Not a sound can be heard and Javier takes a sharp breath. 

“In here,” comes a muffled voice from his office. As usual, Yuzuru is sitting in his chair. What’s new is the ball of red yarn in his lap. Hanging off the side of the chair is a half finished scarf. Javier blinks.

“Jason said it would be a good idea to make you something.”

Javier recognises the yarn. It had been sitting in a box since last year’s holidays, when Jason had been his secret santa. _They say it can help with nerves_, he’d said with knowing eyes that didn’t lack an additional pinch of mischief in them. Javier had laughed at the mental image of him sitting in a rocking chair and knitting like an old man and then he’d laughed even more at Jason’s face upon realizing that Javier had gotten him 15 pairs of socks in different hues of neon pink as a gift. He’d forgotten entirely about the exchange until now.

Yuzuru’s skin looks even more pale next to the vivid splash of color tangled into his fingers. “You don’t like it?”

Javier clears his throat. He doesn’t really care enough to have an opinion. It’s just a scarf. “It’s nice. Listen, we should get you some clothes.”

Yuzuru puts the knitting needles down. “Now?”

“If we don’t, Zhenya will yell tomorrow.”

“Okay.” Delicately, Yuzuru gathers the leftover yarn in a neat pile and leaves it on Javier’s desk.

  
  
  
  
  
  


Javier drives them to the mall. Every single piece of clothing there feels high-priced, but it means that there’s a huge variety to choose from without unnecessarily walking back and forth. It’s not that late but Javier is more than eager to go home and finally get some rest after the night he had.

“How about this one?” Javier holds up a loose looking cardigan. Yuzuru takes the hanger from him, holding in in front of his torso.

“I don’t know. Does it look good, Javi?” Yuzuru is staring at him expectantly and, _oh_, there’s the nickname again in that strange tone. 

Up till that point Javier had been somewhat reluctant to let his gaze follow Yuzuru around, but it seems unavoidable now. With how slim Yuzuru is, most articles of clothing would probably look good on him. Baggy clothes would make him look adorable, coupled with the soft strands of hair that frame his face. Now that he’s been invited to do so, Javier finds it difficult to stop staring. It’s undeniable that Yuzuru is attractive, in a warm comforting way.

“Yeah, it would look nice on you.”

Yuzuru smiles at him, his eyes scrunching up in half moons.

Browsing through the isles Javier spots a dark turtleneck. It’s not that cold yet, but winter is creeping closer, so maybe this wouldn’t be such a bad idea. With a jolt, Javier’s reminded that Yuzuru probably doesn’t get affected by the cold. For a second there, he almost forgot. He considers himself a practical buyer, so it made sense that his immediate instinct was to take the declining temperature into account.

Shaking his head, he holds it out in front of Yuzuru, who stays still, waiting for Javier’s verdict with a small smile. The pale column of his throat contrasts nicely with the dark fabric and, in an impulse that Javier is unsure where it comes from, he raises his other hand to push at Yuzuru’s bangs, brushing them up and away from his forehead. It’s a bad idea, because for a split second Yuzuru, with his sparkling eyes and rosy mouth and bare forehead, looks more than just pretty; he looks like someone Javier would enjoy staring at for far longer than what is deemed appropriate.

It takes all of Javier’s control not to let his hand slip around the back of Yuzuru’s neck, pull him close. Instead he backs away, shrinking a little into himself. For a split second it feels like he’s about to lose his footing, the heel of his foot bumping against a corner, and his hand shoots out to stabilize himself discreetly against a rack of coats.

“Sorry. Yeah, we should get that,” he says, ignoring the questioning tilt of Yuzuru’s head. It’s better now that his hair has flopped back into place, the strands left in a disarray by Javier’s fingers.

This bizarre sense of dizziness follows Javier around for the rest of their time there, leaving him scrambling for a sense of balance.

They probably end up with more articles of clothing than Yuzuru needs at the present moment. Javier consoles himself by thinking that Yuzuru will be spending a long span of time with them, as long as his creators deem that this new environment is useful in offering feedback to their programming.

It’s only when they’re back in the car that Javier realizes he’s not sure where he’s supposed to drive to. Before, when Yuzuru felt more like an elaborate piece of equipment, it made sense to leave him in the office. Now that he has his own things it seems reasonable that he’d require his own space. Even pets have their own box or basket or whatever, and Yuzuru deserves at least that, a place just for himself.

“Is something wrong?” Yuzuru asks from next to him.

“I’m just thinking.”

“What about?” Yuzuru places a hand on the inside of Javier’s elbow, letting it sit there comfortably. That’s new too, taking the initiative to touch Javier, much like Javier had done earlier. Yuzuru is learning fast.

“It’s time to go home.”

“The place that’s not too close to work?”

A snort escapes Javier. “Yeah, that’s the one.”

“I can walk back, if you’d like to save time. You should rest properly, or Zhenya will yell at you.”

Flabbergasted, Javier leans back in his seat and takes a good look at Yuzuru. Every single word that came out of his mouth is a surprise.

“I’m taking you home with me.” It sounds way too loud in the small enclosed space of the car, like something that ought to be kept private.

“Wouldn’t that bother you? You seem to prefer spending time alone.” It’s funny how clueless yet insightful Yuzuru can be at once.

“I don’t mind good company.”

Yuzuru’s fingers tighten around his arm. “Am I good company?”

Javier glances at him sideways. It’s almost like something has shifted between them, but Yuzuru is staring at him the same way as always. “We’ll see.”

  


  


~

  


  


“It’s tidier than I thought it would be,” is the first thing out of Yuzuru’s mouth. “Sorry,” he’s quick to add. “It’s just that... your office…”

“No offence taken.” After toeing off his shoes with practiced ease, Javier carelessly throws his jacket on the couch and gathers the leftover dishes from the coffee table in a haste. Maybe he would have cleaned if he had any idea how the day would progress, but then again Javier has a hunch he probably wouldn’t have, even if he had known.

“Let me help you,” Yuzuru is busy taking his own shoes off. Javier used to have a second pair of slippers, but they ended up in the trash around a year ago, so Yuzuru just pads around in his socks.

“It’s okay, I’ll-” A bowl almost slips from his grip in his haste to load the dishwasher and Yuzuru catches it right before it makes contact with the floor. Javier exhales heavily in relief. The last thing he needs is cleaning up broken shards for a second time today. “Thanks. I wasn’t expecting anyone.”

“I can do the rest, if you’d like me to.”

Javier rubs his hands all over his face. He’s so hungry and the lack of sleep is catching up to him.

“Just- Yeah, do whatever you want, I don’t mind.”

Javier grabs his phone to order food. The little ticking timer counting down the seconds until his order arrives is oddly comforting, and he closes his eyes. He can’t will his shoulders to relax though, not when there’s unexpected noise coming from the kitchen. Javier’s used to the sound of his own footsteps, so to suddenly have a second pair, followed by cupboards opening and closing, makes the skin on the back of his neck itch uncomfortably.

Yuzuru is supposed to be a human companion, meaning that cleaning and cooking should be staples in his software. The thought doesn’t ease the sense of exploitation Javier feels burdened with. Yuzuru is not _his_ personal companion, finely tuned to his desires and needs. Then again no one said anything that would indicate Javier can’t treat him as one.

Yuzuru’s socks squeak against the tiles as he passes by. Javier might not have a second pair of slippers, but he does have a forgotten pair of unused flip flops shoved under his bed. There’s a bunch of colorful cats drawn on them, because of course it’s impossible for Zhenya to gift anything that doesn’t somehow relate to the cute round felines in a way. It strikes Javier that ever since Yuzuru arrived he’s forced Javier to dig up a bunch of forgotten gifts that he otherwise wouldn’t have ever touched. It’s an oddly comforting thought, the realization that these things finally have purpose now instead of simply lying around and getting in Javier’s way.

“Here, Yuzu. Wear these.” He brandishes the purple flip flops on one hand, half hanging out of his bedroom.

Yuzuru’s head pops out of the kitchen and his eyes crinkle with the way he smiles. He almost skips to where Javier is, his hands delicately closing around the footwear, thumbing against the protruding cat ears on the sides.

“Thank you.” 

He braces his hand against the wall for support, taking off his socks and then slipping the flip flops on. Coupled with his fitted slacks and oversized button down, he ends up looking terribly odd and uncoordinated. Yet there’s something endearing in the way he rocks on the balls of his feet and wiggles his toes, testing out the way the new material feels against him.

Quite belatedly Javier realizes that they didn’t buy any pyjamas or more casual wear, because Javier didn’t even think about the possibility of Yuzuru sleeping or even spending time outside a working environment. Can Yuzuru even sleep?

“Let me see if I can find something more comfortable for you to wear.”

They’re roughly the same height, so Javier is feeling pretty optimistic about the old sweatpants and worn out shirt he digs up from the depths of his closet. They end up being a bit loose on Yuzuru, but he seems pleased, if the way he keeps dragging his fingers over the soft fabric is any indication.

Javier is almost too sleepy to eat when the food finally arrives, but he braves through a couple bites, if only to ease his stomach’s rumbling. He spots Yuzuru occasionally from the corner of his eye, but he’s too exhausted to care. He feels his eyelids drooping and he promises he’s only going to give in for a minute. Then he’ll get up and take care of Yuzuru properly.

Just for a minute.

  
  
  
  
  
  


He slowly wakes up to the clanking sound of the washing machine. Some people are capable of drifting out of sleep easily, just by blinking their eyes, but Javier’s not one of them. He’s a heavy sleeper and it takes him a minute to fully make sense of where he is and why something feels so terribly off. There shouldn’t be so much noise at two in the morning.

All the lights are on, and more noises can be heard from the bathroom. There’s a fresh smell in the air, like someone just mopped the floor. Javier lets his head fall back on the armrest of the couch, taking note of the tightness on the back of his neck and the thin blanket spread over him.

“Yuzu,” he calls out, not too loud.

The sound of scrubbing dies down. “Yes?”

“Can you come here for a bit?” Javier’s eyes have slipped shut again and he resolutely moves around, straightening himself up by sheer force of will.

The front part of Yuzuru’s hair is tied up with a rubber band, baring his forehead. It doesn’t garner the same reaction from Javier as earlier, because his bangs flop around like a tiny fountain on top of his head. He looks younger than before, so innocent. Javier doesn’t know where he found the cleaning gloves he’s wearing, or the faded apron, but they make his stomach churn.

“Too much noise? I’m sorry, I’ll tone it down. You should go back to sleep, you need to rest.”

Shaking his head, Javier pats the space next to him on the couch. He curls his fingers into the thick fabric when Yuzuru seems to hesitate.

“Sit down with me.”

“My hands are wet. I don’t want to stain the couch.”

“It’s okay, I don’t mind.”

“Why? It will get messed up.”

Javier groans low in his throat. “Just- sit down, Yuzu, just sit. I want you to sit down.”

The couch dips next to Javier.

“Did I do something wrong?” Javier doesn’t know if there’s indeed guilt lurking behind the quiet question or if he’s still hazy with sleep and his imagination is running wild.

“No.”

“You look disappointed.”

_I am_, Javier wants to say. He’s disappointed in himself, for bringing Yuzuru here, for letting him roam around, for wanting to reach out and poke the tuft of hair swaying on top of his head.

“You didn’t disappoint me.”

Yuzuru tilts his head to the side. “But you are disappointed with something else?”

_What a stubborn little thing._

“You don’t have to do this. Any of this. You’re not a maid.”

“But-”

“I’ll clean the rest myself, tomorrow.”

Yuzuru’s left eye twitches rapidly for a second, as if he’s not sure on what facial expression to settle on. In the end, he opts for confusion.

“Why don’t you want my help? It’s what I’m here for.”

“You’re not a servant.”

“But you asked for my help before. Making you coffee, finding your-”

“Exactly, that was before-” Javier cuts himself off, rubbing a hand over his face in frustration.

“Did I do something wrong, then?” Yuzuru repeats himself. He’s sucked in his bottom lip, his throat bobbing.

“I just feel like I’m taking advantage of you.” It’s honest, even if it doesn’t entirely capture the muddle of thoughts in Javier’s head, nor the weight that keeps pressing down on his chest.

Yuzuru shakes his head. “Why do you think that? It’s not true.”

It doesn’t feel like there’s any point in arguing with him anymore about this. “Alright, just. Do whatever you want.”

Yuzuru keeps staring at him. “I don’t want to do something that causes you grief. I just don’t understand why it bothers you. You didn’t bother before.”

_Because you’re in my sweatpants, wearing my weird flip-flops, and your hair looks like a miniature fountain and you keep staring at me as if I hung the stars in the sky._ Javier can’t exactly say that, and he’s far from currently having the brain capacity to get into any explanation, so he just shrugs.

“Humans are weird. Get used to it.”

It takes Javier a moment to realize that the sharp exhale Yuzuru just let out was a laugh. The sound of it was brittle, bordering slightly on unnerving.

“It’s okay if you are weird. Can I go back to work now?”

Javier raises his hand, pointing at the wall. Yuzuru follows the invisible line he paints with his forefinger, squinting slightly. “Is there something wrong with the time?”

Mounted next to the screen of his TV is an ornate clock. It’s heavy looking, with a polished wood frame that twists and turns in intricate details.

“Be careful of that. Don’t want to see it break.”

“It’s beautiful,” Yuzuru says, unprompted, and Javier’s head spins with how fast he turns around to look at him in surprise.

“You like it?”

“It’s lovely.” Yuzuru is smiling softly. The air wooshes harshly out of Javier’s nose as he inhales. He can feel sweat gathering in the palms of his hands, where they’re squeezed tight against his knees.

“Thanks. It was my grandma’s.” 

_I don’t think she would have liked you. She never did well with complicated electronics._

  


  


~

  


  


The bedroom is the only room that survives Yuzuru’s hurricane-like cleaning, and Javier seeks refuge in it for the rest of the night. When he crawls out of it in the morning, his apartment looks different. Javier’s never been particularly tolerant of dirt, but he was messy in everything else, comfortable in the chaos that sprung from his lack of organization. Now everything looks immaculate, stacked carefully in neat lines. This sense of unfamiliarity overwhelms Javier, as if he doesn’t quite belong in the apartment anymore. He doesn’t even want to think about all his work related files thrown out of order, placed with care in the large cardboard boxes that he bought specifically for this purpose yet never got around to using them.

Breakfast is waiting for him on the kitchen table, which looks surprisingly big because all the usual junk on it has been removed. Yuzuru has plated his eggs like they’re in a five star restaurant and Javier's sense of unease only grows. He doesn’t feel comfortable sitting down to eat with someone staring at him intently, which is what Yuzuru is doing. His little fountain hair is still there, although it’s gotten looser in the past few hours, flopping slightly towards one side.

“Thanks,” Javier offers awkwardly, his stomach twisting itself into a knot, when Yuzuru pours him a fresh cup of coffee.

“Do you like it?”

“It’s okay. The yolk’s too runny.”

Yuzuru’s eyes narrow, regarding Javier carefully. “I’ll make it better tomorrow. Is the coffee alright?”

The fork almost slips out of Javier’s grip, clanking loudly against the plate. He masks his little slip up by taking a sip from his cup. The hot liquid burns his tongue, but he almost welcomes it as a distraction. He gives a silent thumbs up, taking in the subtle way Yuzuru’s shoulders relax. It’s heady, the thought that he might have been nervously waiting for Javier’s approval.

It appears, then, that Yuzuru will be living with him from now on. The thought doesn’t strike Javier as troublesome as he’d initially expected. Now, with the way his home suddenly feels so bare, every surface empty where otherwise there had been stacks of things and forgotten trinkets piling up, the idea of someone else being around to fill the void doesn’t sound so bad.

  


  


~

  


  


This new arrangement doesn’t change much in regards to Javier’s work, apart from the knowing eyebrow waggle that Nam sends him every time he spots them arriving together. Yuzuru still sits in his chair, still helps Javier with everything data related. He still knits, finishing the red scarf and then starting a second, then a third one, this time with yarn that Javier bought him. Javier’s got the feeling that Yuzuru is determined to keep all his coworkers warm during the upcoming winter, with how fastidious he’s being about this whole business. Javier can’t find it in his heart to complain, because there’s something calming in leaning back in his chair and watching Yuzuru’s delicate fingers work seamlessly. Not that he’d admit to doing that, although he’s sure Yuzuru is aware of it, if his gentle smile is any indication.

The others don’t tease him much after the first week, not even Nam. Evgenia is more than excited to get a knitted hat with cat ears stitched on it, she downright bodyslams Yuzuru in her haste to hug him tight. Yuzuru pats her back politely in return, then squeezes her gently when she refuses to let go just yet, clinging to his neck. Just like the rest of him, there’s something delicate in the way he holds her. Javier tries not to think when was the last time he got a hug. Not the awkward half pats on the back, but a real hug that left him feeling tender in the most wonderful ways.

  
  
  
  
  
  


When it comes to outside of work, though, Javier’s life feels like it’s been brought upside down. After living alone for so long, having someone else constantly around is weird at first, to say the least. Javier keeps his door closed every night and he doesn’t know what Yuzuru is up to during that time. It takes him getting up in the ungodly hours of the morning, throat parched and in desperate need of water, to find out that Yuzuru spends that time slouched on the couch, unmoving, with his eyes closed. It makes sense that he’s reserving his energy, quietly hibernating.

Javier tiptoes back to his room and doesn’t bring it up until a few days later.

“Do you need me to stay awake during the night? I will have to replenish my energy more often, if that’s the case,” Yuzuru says in return. He’s been doing that a lot lately, using these neutral terms to refer to himself and his functions. He seems reluctant to call it _charging his battery_ or temporarily _shutting down_. Javier hasn’t seen him do it since that first time, which means it must also happen under the cover of nightfall. He’s occasionally caught himself wondering if Yuzuru somehow feels embarrassed about it, about being different than Javier in those regards, or if he simply tries to be discreet.

“No, no,” Javier waves his hand in dismissal. “Just... be comfortable.”

“I am.” Yuzuru grins at him. “I like it better here.”

After that, Javier has no heart to deny him the couch.

  


  


~

  


  


Another sleepless night, another headache that Javier tries to drown out with the help of caffeine, as much as he already knows the attempt is futile. There’s so much muddled noise coming from behind his closed office door and, unable to bear it any longer, he throws the door open and _yells_.

“God, can I just have some peace and quiet? For once! Just this one time!” The obnoxious chatter instantly dies down. Everyone’s caught in variant poses, but they all stare at Javier and it’s infuriating, how the only thing he can see in their gazes is pity.

Suddenly, the sprinklers on the ceiling turn on. The loud shrill of the fire alarm pierces Javier’s ears. An overwhelming cacophony of sounds and yells erupts all around him again, as everyone tries to get out, trying to shield their already drenched heads.

It’s such a bizarre thing to witness, most probably because Javier stays dry throughout. Yuzuru has a hand wrapped around his arm, holding him in his place. Not a drop of water is seen on him.

“We should leave,” Javier says, trying to move, but Yuzuru’s grip on his arm is surprisingly sturdy.

“There’s no fire.”

The pitter patter of the water still being sprinkled would have been comforting, if not for the huge tangle of questions currently rolling around Javier’s head.

“You heard the fire alarm.”

Yuzuru smiles. “I thought maybe you’d appreciate a small prank.”

It’s the last thing Javier expected to come out of his mouth. “That was you? You were simply messing with them?”

The cheeky smile on Yuzu’s lips spreads into a grin. “Yes.” When Javier doesn’t give any kind of response his face smooths into a serious expression. He drops his hand away. The loud ringing of the fire alarm ceases, at the same time the sprinkles turn off. “I’m sorry, that was presumptuous of me. I’ll apologize to the rest of your team, for offending them.”

“Wait.”

Yuzuru raises his gaze, face flat.

“I don’t… encourage this. But. Patrick’s reaction was kinda ridiculous.”

“Am I in trouble?” The corners of Yuzuru’s mouth pull tentatively, confusion lingering behind on whether it’s appropriate to look cheerful or not.

“No. Just don’t do it again.”

“Alright.”

“Unless I tell you to. Then you can.”

Yuzu’s full lips curl for a brief moment before he schools his features back to the usual indifference.

“Understood.”

  


  


~

  


  


The next case that requires Javier to show up on scene is a bizarre one. When Yuzuru first arrived, Javier hadn’t thought he’d have any use for him on the field. 

“Let me get this straight, you want Yuzuru there? Put him on the express train and send him to you?” Nam’s voice sounds both incredulous yet sly at the same time.

“Yeah,” Javier says, balancing his phone between his ear and shoulder, so he can type faster on the computer system in front of him. “There were androids among the victims. He should know a couple things.”

“It’s about _erotic companions_, which by the way might sound better than _sex dolls_, but we all know it’s the same thing. You do know what that entails, right? Certainly not sitting in an office all day, playing secretary to a guy that whines at you because his coffee is too cold. Which is what Yuzuru does mostly, if you haven’t noticed.”

Javier resists the urge to sigh deeply. “He wasn’t made specifically for this job. He’s the prototype for a human companion that’s supposed to do everything. Which includes fucking one’s brains out, if you haven’t noticed.”

“This sounds so… wrong. It’s _Yuzu_. He knitted me a _hat_ with a _pompom_ on it.”

“I don’t care what it sounds like. But if he can help me make some sense out of this mess, then I won’t say no to that.”

Nam must be sufficiently weirded out by the recent revelation, because he doesn’t offer any additional argument. “Whatever you say, Javi. I’ll send him at once.”

“Thanks, Nam.”

Javier ends the call and rubs a hand over his face. He doesn’t know what makes this more awkward. There’s the fact that he has to count on Yuzuru for something significantly more substantial than what he’s done for their department so far. But, much deeper, there’s this nagging heat in his belly that’s been festering there ever since he watched the security footage in front of him, in all its explicit glory.

For some inexplicable reason his mind strayed to what Yuzuru would look like, what he’d sound like if he was one of the androids in this case. Cold sweat gathers on the back of his neck at the thought. 

It gets even worse when Yuzuru finally arrives and Javier is treated to the sight of his slim frame, his small waist and the elegant arch of his neck. For the first time, Javier allows himself to indulge in the visual aspect of him without trying to deny how attractive he looks. Yuzuru’s got thin wrists, and the image of them grasped tightly against stark white sheets is not what Javier needs in his mind right now, or ever.

“I need your help,” Javier starts, before Yuzuru’s even made himself comfortable in the chair next to his, in front of the security monitor. It takes a while to explain; the details of the case they’re handling are yet to be archived, so Yuzuru has no online reports to fall back on for better understanding. He listens carefully to Javier, nodding along, but his eyes are glued to the footage playing in front of him.

Right when Javier is getting to the part of his hypothesis, Yuzuru holds up a hand, interrupting him. “What about the assistant manager? His alibi hasn’t been confirmed.”

“It hasn’t?” Javier scratches the side of his head with one hand, scrambling for his notebook with the other. “You think he’s involved?”

“What’s that?” Yuzuru rewinds the security footage a couple seconds and points at the corner of the tiny screen they share, at something glinting suspiciously. Javier knows that if he were by himself he would have completely missed it.

“That’s…” Javier’s eyes widen and he pushes himself off his chair, wincing at the way the metal legs scrape on the floor. “That’s my witness, right there. The assistant manager.”

“Your witness? Don’t you mean possible suspect?”

Javier ignores Yuzuru’s question in favor of moving swiftly across the room. The commotion must have been heard from outside, though, because when Javier finally pulls the door open, he’s greeted with the sight of the man he’s looking for already running away.

“Stop!” he yells, following in pursuit. A heavy gust of wind pummels him the moment he steps outside the building, the freezing rain feeling like sharp pins against his cheeks. It’s difficult to see under the weight of the heavy rainfall and Javier curses loudly, slowing down, his shoes skidding in a puddle. A warm touch on the back of his neck startles him, and the next second Yuzuru speeds past him, running with purpose towards an alley opening on their right.

“Yuzu!” Javier’s shout gets drowned in the noise of spluttering water all around him. His hair is sticking uncomfortably to his forehead, limp and wet, and he brushes it off. He pulls his jacket over his head, shielding his head from the rain as he takes a couple steps forward.

Someone can be heard yelling, the words muddled, then the sickening noise of scraping metal, followed by a heavy thud. Then Yuzuru’s voice, loud and clear in the cacophony of sound. “Javi, can you get here?”

Like a blind bat, Javier tries to follow the reverberating sound through the twists and turns of the dark buildings around him, as Yuzuru keeps repeating, “I’m here.”

After jumping over a half-broken wire fence, Javier manages to spot him, thanks to his bright white button down. Yuzuru is on one knee, holding the no longer resisting man in a firm headlock. He’s absolutely soaked, the fabric of his shirt sticking to him. 

It’s an image that stays with Javier, even after all is said and done and they’ve hauled their suspect to the local police station; Yuzuru’s profile in the dark, his initially stoic expression and, most notably, the self-satisfied way he smirked at Javier when he finally made it close enough. It shouldn’t have surprised Javier as much, that Yuzuru has some decent endurance and strength packed in those thin limbs of his. He’s made out of metal, after all, sturdy and strong where Javier is soft and vulnerable.

“I’ll have to give you a stun gun next time,” Javier jokes.

Yuzuru’s eyes and nose crinkle in mischief.

  
  
  
  
  
  


The moon is a stark yellowish shape in the night sky when they finally leave the police station. Javier knows it must be past midnight if only from the severity of his yawn. It’s raining still and the wind hasn’t ceased its howling. Javier’s clothes have retained their freezing dampness despite Yuzuru’s valiant efforts to soak the rainwater out with paper towels and to keep Javier warm with the small heater they were provided with. The material of his button down feels like a second uncomfortable layer of skin to him.

“Javi. It’s gotten late.”

Javier hunches his shoulders, trying to suppress his yawn and failing. “Yeah?” he says. Then it hits him. They’re in another city and the train has probably stopped running. A quick glance at his watch reaffirms his suspicion and he groans. “Oh, come on!” He curses himself for not having planned for this better. There’s an early morning train, but they’d have to wait close to four hours, and that’s impossible when Javier feels like he’s about to drop on the spot.

Yuzuru is silent next to him. He’s not faring any better than Javier in rainwater consistency, although the percentage must be much higher in his case. Javier catches himself wheezing from silent laughter at the thought, the adrenaline of the day catching up to him. 

Tilting his head in confusion, Yuzuru attempts a smile. “Is it funny?”

“No, it’s- Forget it.” Javier runs a hand through his horrible hair, wincing slightly at the texture. “Can you find us the closest hotel nearby that allows check in at this hour? And call for a taxi.”

With a nod, Yuzuru closes his eyes.

  
  
  
  
  
  


When the door to their room closes behind Javier he’s more than ready to call it a day and faceplant to the double bed, damp socks or not.

“You should take a hot shower, to warm up,” Yuzuru says, carefully toeing off his shoes.

“I’d really like to sleep.”

“You’ll get sick.”

Javier groans like a petulant child, stomping his way to the bathroom. The place is far from luxurious, but it’s clean and tidy, and that’s all that matters. The android at the reception had taken one look at them and mercifully offered them extra towels. It didn’t seem to notice that Yuzuru was not a human, probably lacking the necessary hardware to do so. Seeing the two androids standing next to each other had been another reminder of how awe inspiring the craftsmanship behind Yuzuru’s design was.

A slight knock on the door brings Javier out of his musings. 

“I’m leaving your pyjamas here.” Behind the shower curtain Javier can see the hazy outline of Yuzuru’s form as he places the hotel sleepwear on the shelf next to the sink, before making his way out again.

  
  
  
  
  
  


Blissfully dry, Javier allows himself to flop down belly first on the comfortable bed, exhaling deeply until his lungs are empty. “You should take a shower, the water was so hot,” he mumbles.

“Should I?”

Javier cracks an eye open. Yuzuru might not need to clean up the way humans do, but their tumbling in the rain did leave him with streaks of dirt and grime in his head and arms. His hair is a wet, tangled mess. “Yeah, you do that.”

The light in the bathroom dies out as Yuzuru closes the door behind him, and Javier’s left in darkness, crushed under the weight pulling at his sore limbs.

It’s the same old story. Javier’s dead on his feet, holding himself upright by sheer willpower, and, by the time he lies down, his eyelids seem to be glued open. 

“Great,” he sighs. Now that he’s out of the scalding hot water, he can barely feel his feet from the cold. He suppresses a shiver, pulling the blanket up to his ears.

He hasn’t managed to fall asleep by the time Yuzuru steps out of the bathroom, dressed in his own pair of pyjamas. Yuzuru is by his side in an instant.

“Javi, what’s wrong? Why aren’t you sleeping? Do you have a fever?”

Javier tries to evade the hand that seeks out his forehead, but Yuzuru is persistent in checking his temperature. Javier can’t deny how comforting the warm fingers feel against his skin. “I’m fine. Just can’t sleep. Maybe it’s the cold.”

Yuzuru doesn’t speak for a while. His hand is tangled into Javier’s bangs, and Javier doesn’t even notice how he’s leaning into the touch. Pulling back abruptly, Yuzuru gets up to turn off the lights, before he’s back, sitting on the edge of the bed.

“Scoot over.” He doesn’t get under the covers as much as he wraps the duvet around Javier like a burrito, before pulling him in his arms, where he’s slightly upright against the pillows.

The protest dies in Javier’s lips when Yuzuru starts emitting white noise. It’s not the grating sound that Javier tends to find readily available online; there’s something more refined about it.

“No, I-”

Yuzuru cuts him off. “How about this then?”

Now the steady sound of train tracks rumbling rhythmically can be heard. Again, it feels real, not like a five second clip that’s been set on loop. Coupled with Yuzuru’s warmth, it’s already starting to lull Javier’s brain to relaxation. He wiggles around a bit, getting more comfortable, so he’s half lying on Yuzuru’s chest. If he concentrates enough, he can hear gentle thumping.

“You have a heart?”

“Of course I do. Don’t you?”

The question stings a little, despite the fog in his brain. “Yeah, you’re right.”

Something still feels off and it takes a while for Javier to realize it’s the pattern of Yuzuru’s heartbeat. It’s reminiscent of a human’s, but not quite right. It’s waltzing in a three-beat rhythm.

Javier’s eyes slide shut. “Your heart sounds like a dance.”

“What?” Yuzuru whispers back. His fingers are massaging gently around the back of Javier’s head, playing with the curls there. The soft scrape of his fingertips brings a satisfying shiver to Javier, which starts from his nape and spreads down to his toes, leaving him limp in its wake.

“It’s a waltz.”

Yuzuru makes a gentle shushing sound. “Of course it is.” 

Javier doesn’t remember much after that, grateful for sleep’s sweet oblivion.

  


  


~

  


  


On the train back, Javier can’t get comfortable. Yuzuru ends up raising the armrest between their seats so Javier can lean fully into him, graciously offering his shoulder. Javier pulls up the neck of his jacket, wishing he had a hood to drape over his eyes. His stomach rumbles.

“You should have eaten something,” Yuzuru chastises him and his voice sounds so fond, that Javier can’t help but smile.

“I’ll just get something now from the canteen.” He gets jostled as Yuzuru leans forward, grabbing the array of pamphlets and menus that are stacked into a clear plastic hold on their little table. He quickly discards the first one with a scoff.

“No coffee, it will only make you restless.”

Javier grunts softly in agreement and burrows closer, seeking the soothing heat of Yuzuru’s neck. When the silence stretches longer, he takes a peek through one eye. Clutched into Yuzuru’s pale fingers is an advertising pamphlet for a newly opened ice rink. A girl in a sparkly costume is depicted on one side, along with a group of burly looking men, armed to the teeth with protective gear.

Javier grunts again in protest. “Mmm, food!”

Yuzuru sets the ice rink leaflet on the table, on top of the discarded coffee menu. “How about pancakes?”

“Mm!”

  
  
  
  
  
  


Javier refuses to stay longer than necessary at work that day, leaving before anyone else.

“I need my beauty sleep,” he says conspiratorially, with an exaggerated eyebrow waggle. Surprisingly there are no protests, just a thumbs up from Jason. The reaction leaves him feeling baffled all the way home.

His bed feels extra soft that night as the smell of fresh sheets fills his lungs. Despite that, he still twists and turns, unable to find a comfortable enough position. There’s loud meowing coming from outside, and it grates on Javier’s nerves.

And then temptation seeps in. 

He wants to ask Yuzuru to sleep in his room again.

“Yuzu?” he calls out weakly. If there’s no response, then he’ll just suck it up.

The door creaks open, faint light spilling in. “Yes, Javi?”

The sigh of relief gets stuck in Javier’s throat, trapped under the ensuing embarrassment he can feel igniting in his chest. “Can you sleep here? It’s too quiet by myself. Everything feels so loud.” He sounds like a child, like a small spoiled child. It brings heat to his cheeks and he regrets it already.

Yuzuru sits on top of the covers, a hand scratching through Javier’s hair, similarly to how he did in the hotel.

“Of course, Javi.”

  
  
  
  
  
  


It’s the first time in months that Javier’s slept this well.

  
  
  
  
  
  


It’s funny how quickly it turns into a habit, having Yuzuru first sit and then slip under the covers with him. He’s so warm and soft and Javier enjoys waking up feeling toasty every morning. Whereas at first there was some leftover nervousness at another presence next to him, now there’s a wild sense of comfort and reassurance in knowing he’s not alone, even if it makes him want to burrow deeper under the blankets and continue to sleep instead of getting up. It’s like all his sleep debt has finally caught up to him, demanding for compensation that’s long due.

  
  
  
  
  
  


When Yuzuru eventually presents him with the red scarf he’s long finished knitting, Javier gently wraps it around Yuzuru’s neck instead.

“It suits you more,” he says simply, trying not to crumble under the weight of Yuzuru’s gaze.

With steady fingers, Yuzuru tugs at the ends of it, until they’re perfectly aligned. Then he steps closer, so close, his arms wrapping around Javier’s neck, body pressed along the length of his.

“Thank you, Javi. Thank you so much, for everything.”

Javier’s glad that the door to his office is closed, because this moment between them feels so tender and delicate, that just the mere thought of a witness would spoil it. He places his hands around Yuzuru’s waist, his fists clinging to the soft material of his sweater.

He exhales, letting all his lingering reluctance float away.

  


  


~

  


  


“Hey, Yuzu?” Javier calls from the couch, where he’s sprawled out.

A muffled response comes from the balcony outside, behind the gently swaying curtain. It’s been a surprisingly warm day, and the leftover heat lingers despite the crispy freshness of the air, like a final soft caress before the night falls. With a soft grunt, Javier pushes himself up, toeing on his slippers.

Yuzuru is wearing the new sweater Javier got him and his favorite red scarf, leaning on the rail. The setting sun showers him in a myriad of vibrant colors; yellows and reds and purples, shifting hues with every subtle movement. A thousand painters wouldn’t have been able to capture the magic of this moment, Javier thinks distractedly as Yuzuru flashes him a smile over his shoulder.

“Look,” Yuzuru says, nodding towards the street. With difficulty, Javier drags his gaze away from Yuzuru’s glowing face to see what captured his interest.

On the opposite side of the street a pile of cats are slumbering in the last warm rays of the setting sun, wrapped around each other in a tangle of fluffy tails and legs.

“Cute,” Yuzuru points out, his cheeks bunching up in a brilliant grin. Javier gets the sudden impulse to poke them, see for himself how soft and cushiony they are.

“You’d fit right in.”

Yuzuru looks at him in surprise. “With the cats?”

“With the cats,” Javi doesn’t offer any further explanation, apart from a shy, secretive smile. “I can almost hear you purr.”

“I can do that, if you want me to. Purr.”

Javier has no doubt that he can. A short laugh escapes him at the thought. “Nah, you’re fine the way you are.”

“But you like cats? I’ve seen you leave food for them before.”

“Sure. They’re so soft. And it’s funny how they go all crazy sometimes, jumping around.” With a fond grin he stops Yuzuru before he opens his mouth. “Yes, I do believe you can do the same. You don’t have to. If I wanted a cat I’d go kidnap one from the pile.”

“Wouldn’t it get lonely, by itself?”

“I think cats appreciate their alone time. Besides, they could cuddle with us.” The plural slips out before he can help it, driving home what’s been tormenting him for the past couple weeks; the fact that Yuzuru feels like a solid part of his life now, a presence that Javier desperately wants to keep by his side. Almost like family, Javier thinks and his throat tightens at the unexpected memories that flood his mind. The salty, crisp smell of the seaside, the grains of hot sand lodged between his toes as his feet sink into it. Warm hands on his cheeks, a kiss on his forehead.

“I can do that, as well.”

Javier turns his head so fast, he’s surprised he doesn’t twist anything. The remaining thoughts in his head are drowned out by the image of Yuzuru next to him. His cheeks look aflame, but Javier knows that the vibrant pink is nothing but a trick of light, merely a fleeting sense of warmth due to the setting sun.

“What? Cuddle?”

Yuzuru nods but avoids his eyes, staring at his clasped hands instead. A small smile blooms on his face when Javier pushes a stray tuft of hair behind his ear.

“I believe you,” Javier says. Yuzuru is looking at him now, rosy mouth parted. Javier’s been this close to him before, but it’s never felt as intimate as it does now, expectation heavy in the air between them.

Boldly and unthinkingly, he wants to kiss him. He could do it, a small voice in his head says, and no one would know. The moment stretches, thick and honeyed, with the promise of sickening sweetness. Javier can’t remember the last time he’d had maple syrup, but his mouth feels sticky and uncomfortable in a similar way.

He ends up dropping his hand to Yuzuru’s nape. With a gentle squeeze, he tries to both contain and yet not smother this ever growing affection. Javier brings their foreheads together, briefly closing his eyes. He doesn’t allow himself to linger this way too long, afraid that he won’t be able to pull away at all.

“Can I be honest with you?” 

Yuzuru’s inquiry is a peculiar one. Now that they’re not touching anymore, Javier slides his hands in his pockets, fixing his gaze upon the street again. “Yeah, sure. You know I’d prefer that any day.” He wonders if it’s fair; asking from Yuzuru to be honest when he himself hides away, terrified of admitting how he feels.

“Can we go somewhere one day? Do something together? For fun.”

One of the cats on the opposite street has emerged from the pile, bathing itself. “How ‘bout a cat cafe? I think you’ll have fun there, yeah?”

“Yeah,” Yuzuru echoes. It’s the first time he sounds distant to Javier’s ears, like he’s too busy with thoughts of something else. “I’d love that.”

  
  
  
  
  
  


They go to the cat cafe. 

Javier is scared that Yuzuru is going to overheat and combust on the spot with the overwhelming amount of fluffy felines surrounding them.

“They’re so soft,” Yuzuru whispers in awe. He makes it a mission to cuddle each and every one of them. 

Javier loses sight of him at some point, so he takes the chance to sit down at one of the tables and focus on a couple emails that need answering. When he’s done and looks for Yuzuru again, he’s not entirely surprised to see him sprawled out on the floor with five different kittens lounging on him.

“I don’t want to disturb them,” Yuzuru confesses sheepishly.

“It’s alright,” Javier smiles, sitting on his haunches and reaching out to scratch one of the larger kittens behind its ears. Almost immediately, the little fellow starts to purr. “Ah, mi corazón!”

Javier finds out soon enough that Yuzuru can, indeed, purr. Javier is prepared to tickle another kitty behind the ears, when he realizes that the gentle rumbling comes from Yuzuru this time. Another cat trudges carefully across his legs, curling up in Yuzuru’s lap.

“That’s amazing,” Javier says. Yuzuru’s smile widens as his eyes fall shut. On impulse, Javier tickles his chin, not prepared for the way Yuzuru leans into it. His hand jerks back rather clumsily in response.

“Can you do that again?” Yuzuru asks. With a trembling hand Javier cups his cheek, cradling his face. His thumb brushes right under Yuzuru’s eye, feeling the flutter of his lowered lashes.

Yuzuru nuzzles his hand, seeking out the touch. “Again?”

Javier strokes his face tenderly for a while, one hand on Yuzuru and the other on one of the kittens, until he can feel his eyes watering. Sniffling as discreetly as possible, he gathers himself up and goes to the restroom, where he washes his hands and splashes water on his reddened face. He can already feel the impeding swelling across his forehead. His insides churn hotly.

  
  
  
  
  
  


“Yuzu, it’s getting late,” Javier reminds him softly. It breaks his heart having to see the pitiful expression on Yuzuru’s face.

“I know that. But I don’t want to leave them,” Yuzuru bumps his chin against the black fluffball that’s perched on his shoulder, nosing at his throat with its tiny head. “Do you think we can come back again?”

“Yeah, sure.”

“Tomorrow?” Yuzuru sounds tentatively excited, like he’s holding himself back. Something seems to be troubling him.

“Maybe not tomorrow. But soon.”

  
  
  
  
  
  


“Why did you lie about liking cats?” Yuzuru asks abruptly while Javier is driving them home. Javier frowns, taking in Yuzuru’s rigid form next to his. He sounds strange, almost bitter, which is definitely a first.

“I didn’t. I love cats. Why do you think I lied?”

“You were crying. You tried to hide, but I saw you.”

Javier snorts, or at least unsuccessfully tries to do so through his slightly congested nose. “Yuzu, I’m allergic. I inhaled way too much of their fur. As much as I like cats I can’t spend too much time with so many of them at once.”

Yuzuru’s face is tight with confusion. “But we stayed there all evening. And you said we can go again.”

“Yeah, it’s not too bad of a reaction. I won’t get, like, a huge rash or anything.”

“It makes you sick.”

“It’s not too bad,” Javier repeats, shaking his head. “It’s worth it, to see you having fun.”

And there it is, out in the open. The words scatter like dandelions in the wind, and Javier can no longer take them back, even if he wished to. He doesn’t.

Yuzuru is staring at him intently and his dark, bottomless eyes feel as alluring and dangerous as the deep waters of the ocean, back when Javier used to still visit home during the long hot summers.

“For me?” Yuzuru whispers, awed and in disbelief.

“Mm, for you.”

Almost tentatively, Yuzuru reaches out his hand, touching Javier’s cheek. It’s a mirror of Javier’s earlier touch. “Thank you.”

Javier clears his parched throat. A threat of a sneeze tickles his nose, but he tries to hold it back. He doesn’t want Yuzuru to pull away.

“I’m glad you had a good time.”

  
  
  
  
  
  


They go to the cat cafe again. There are old tabletop games stacked in one of the corner shelves, and Yuzuru picks Uno, because _“It means one and so we should try it out first”_. He likes it so much that Javier ends up buying him a pack of cards on the way back.

He’s not as lucky as last time, though, and his allergic reaction coincides with a pretty weak immune system due to the rapidly deteriorating weather. By the time they’re home his head feels heavy and his limbs hurt. He konks out for a couple hours and wakes up in the middle of the night with a runny nose, a scratchy throat and a bad case of the chills. 

Yuzuru, as always, is on his side, touching his forehead. After a moment he calmly informs Javier that he is running a fever. Javier sniffles and insists it’s nothing serious, he just needs some rest.

His alarm goes off too soon after that, and Javier feels so terrible he can’t even get up from his bed. It’s been so long since he’s last been this sick and the sensation of it leaves him uncoordinated and clumsy, unsure of how to make himself feel better.

He’s not even vaguely prepared for the way Yuzuru prepares soup and tea, for the sweet sound of his voice as he recites poetry and then switches to funny short stories when Javier looks too bored of the lavish words. It’s all so perfectly domestic and Javier, despite the exhaustion and the taste of sickness in the back of his mouth, catches himself experiencing things he hasn’t felt in years; a deep, satisfied sense of being cared for, of being safe and loved. He feels almost like a kid again, not having to constantly worry about responsibilities, being allowed to whine. It takes him a while to realize that it’s trust; he trusts Yuzuru to take care of him, to treat him with kind, warm touches. To handle him gently, both his body and his heart.

And Yuzuru does. He tucks Javier in and pets his hair until he falls asleep. 

The next morning he greets him with freshly squeezed orange juice that leaves his hands smelling of citrus for the rest of the day, whenever he takes Javier’s temperature and Javier noses into them.

“Javi, you are like a cat,” Yuzuru laughs. His eyes crinkle and Javier’s breath catches. The nickname is not new, but the way it slips from Yuzuru’s mouth is. Javier’s eyes feel wet, the light in the room too bright, or perhaps that short word somehow too big for him to handle. Yuzuru thumbs gently the irritated skin around his eyes, catching the stray drops before they slide down his cheeks.The tangy smell lingering on his fingers wraps Javier into a warm cocoon of long forgotten memories. They’re nothing but hazy images; of their old house by the sea, of his grandparents, mostly of his grandma’s open arms and the callouses on her hands. It’s been more than twenty years, and Javier can’t remember her face that clearly, but he remembers the way her hands felt and smelled like it was yesterday.

Sleeping while sick never feels like good enough rest, but Javier can tell that he’s getting better near the evening, some of the weight pressing down on his head having lifted.

“Can we play the game we got?” Yuzuru’s voice is quiet. His hands no longer smell like citrus, but they feel nice where they’re massaging Javier’s shoulders. Javier’s not sure how Yuzuru managed to squeeze himself behind him, between Javier’s half slumped body and the bed’s headboard, but the cradle of his legs is warm around Javier’s waist. Javier stretches his feet and leans more on him, feeling his steady breath on the back of his neck.

“In a minute, yeah?”

Yuzuru hums, one hand straying to Javier’s forehead before burying itself in his hair.

“Your fever dropped.”

Javier makes a relieved sound and wiggles around until he’s almost on his side against Yuzuru’s chest, his head slotted under Yuzuru’s chin. It’s easy to lose all sense of time like this, drifting in and out of sleep.

They do end up playing cards later that night, because Javier keeps his word even when he’s bedridden. Uncannily, Yuzuru wins most of the time.

“You’re cheating.” Javier whines, reaching for another Uno card from the pile.

“I’m just calculating the possibilities,” Yuzuru answers patiently, throwing his last card away. Like a performing magician, he showcases his empty palms with an impish grin. “I win. Another?”

“Aren’t you bored of beating my ass enough times already?” Javier asks, but he still shuffles the cards. It’s getting harder to deny Yuzuru things, the promise of his sparkling eyes lighting up in affection too much of a temptation to resist.

“I like playing with you. Your heart sounds relaxed.”

Javier can feel his brows coming together. “My heart?”

Yuzuru leans back on his hands, closing his eyes. “The sound it makes. It’s even. I think it’s… soothing?” Yuzuru tilts his head to the side, trying out the word. “I know you’re well when you sound like this.”

“How often do you eavesdrop on me?” Javier deals the cards, being perfectly aware of his pulse accelerating. The back of his neck feels hot all of a sudden and he’s doubtful it’s because of fever this time.

“A couple times a day. It’s harmless scanning, just to make sure you’re okay. I want to make sure you’re not getting worse again.” Yuzuru looks a little alarmed. “Are you angry?”

“No, I’m-” Javier can’t think of a way to explain how he feels. There’s embarrassment, the feeling that his privacy is being breached. Then there's the heady feeling of importance and gratitude for being taken care of - it feels strangely good that Yuzuru needs to make sure he's fine. “Thanks, for worrying about me.”

  


  


~

  


  


They make a habit of playing games every other night, even when Javier is no longer sick and doesn’t have an excuse for it.

Thinking back on it, the turning point must have been the first time Yuzuru purposefully broke the rules to make sure he lost in cards. It’s ridiculous, how after weeks of resisting the urge, a stupid card game is what ends up causing Javier to snap.

He knows, of course, that it’s not the game itself. It's the sweet smile on Yuzuru’s face as he watches Javier win, the open way his body is leaning towards him. The fact that he made this choice, as small and insignificant as it is. Yuzuru likes winning games, apparently it’s one of his favorite things to do. Knowing that, to him, losing paled in comparison to witnessing the minimal joy in Javier’s face as he won.

Javier cradles Yuzuru's cheek in his hand, trembling with the weight of desire. All the feelings he’s been suppressing until now clamber together all at once, refusing to be ignored any longer.

Yuzuru’s lips are soft and flavorless.

  
  
  
  
  
  


Javier can’t believe this is happening.

“This cannot be happening,” he says, words heavy on his tongue.

“You don’t want to?” Yuzuru asks with lidded eyes. His voice is quiet, smooth, not that different from what he usually sounds like. But there’s a new and undeniable kind of nuance lurking underneath. It’s meant to entice, and Javier is weak to resist it.

He shakes his head, his grip on Yuzuru’s waist tightening. “I don’t know what I want. This is insane.”

“No, it’s not,” Yuzuru reassures him, his fingers so gentle as they card through Javier’s hair, his nails scraping just the slightest at his nape when they tangle with the strands there. He leans in for another kiss, butterfly soft. A muffled sound of surprise escapes him when Javier finally pushes back, licking into his mouth, but after a halted second he responds in earnest.

It absolutely blows Javier’s mind, how real it all feels. From the warmth of Yuzuru’s breath to the slickness of his tongue against his own, this doesn’t feel anything short of a human in his arms. He knows it’s fucked up, thinking of Yuzuru this way, but he makes it so easy.

They’ve been in each other’s company constantly for the past few months, and it’s become increasingly difficult to deny the fact that his newfound sense of trust in Yuzuru has caused his physical attraction to him to skyrocket. It’s probably crazy, but there’s an almost palpable bond between them nowadays, and it’s scaring Javier half the time, leaving him in absolute awe the rest of it. 

He’s scared of how much space Yuzuru has taken up in his mind and in his heart, carving this little corner for himself in Javier’s life. He’s scared of what this might mean, where it leaves him standing.

Yuzuru’s arms are heavy across Javier’s shoulders and he sighs softly into the kiss, at the touch of Javier’s hands straying lower to his hips. 

But it also makes Javier so damn curious, so eager to explore the limits of technology, see how far they’ve been able to push it, how much closer they’ve gotten to playing God. This is entirely different than reading about it, seeing it on TV or even in the streets. Javier is exploring the extent of mankind's achievements with his own flesh as Yuzuru’s fingers get tangled into his hair, his hips tentatively pushing against Javier’s.

“We can stop, if you don’t want to,” Yuzuru says carefully, mistaking Javier’s brief stillness for hesitation.

“No, don’t stop,” Javier groans out, fighting off the shame he can feel curling in his gut alongside the embarrassing wave of arousal. The sound of his zipper being undone sounds ten times louder in the quiet room, and he holds his breath when he feels Yuzu’s fingers finally brush against him.

“God,” he chokes out, head bracing against Yuzuru’s shoulder, in need of the stability it offers. It’s too slow, like Yuzuru’s afraid to touch him properly, and Javi has to hold himself back from demanding more, settling for the slowly building pleasure.

It takes a while for Javier to realize that Yuzuru is watching him carefully, his entire attention focused on every little move of his eyelashes, every tiny exhale. Cataloguing everything. The weight of his gaze is as nerve inducing as it is flattering.

“Can I?” Javier breathes as he pulls at Yuzuru’s soft clothes, the way the fabric stretches under his hand similar to how he feels; stretched thin over this insane attraction he doesn’t fully understand.

“_Yes,_” Yuzuru says and it sounds so heavy, like he’s been waiting for an eternity to utter the word. “I want you to.”

  
  
  
  
  
  


He’s perfect, laid on his back on the bed, a splash of color against the stark whiteness of the sheets. It could be Javier’s mind playing tricks, but he thinks Yuzuru looks almost embarrassed in his newfound nudity. He catches himself wondering how much of his behavior is preset to some DLC packet he downloaded to his system and how much is genuine reaction to the physical cues Javier sends him, has been sending him for the past couple weeks.

Javier lets his hands roam, focused on the gradual discovery of every dip and crease. He makes sure to keep his eyes trailed to Yuzuru’s face when he finally uses his tongue, satisfaction spreading inside him like a warm current at the sight of Yuzuru’s mouth falling open.

“Oh,” Yuzuru breathes out, and the simple sound of it sparks Javier into motion, seeking to hear it again. He doubles his effort, until everything feels like too much, until Yuzuru squirms beneath his constant attention.

“Javi,” Yuzuru says at last, a questioning lilt to it. “Don’t you want?” He rubs a hand across Javier’s hip, circling it around his waist, pulling him close so that they bump against each other, clumsily at first, and then with more purpose, slotting together nicely. The warm press of his legs around Javier’s waist lingers, as much as Yuzuru's unanswered question.

Javier can feel a drop of sweat sliding down the side of his neck. Yuzuru is staring at him in expectation, his limbs locked into place; waiting.

Javier draws a hand up his calf, letting it rest at Yuzuru’s knee. “Do you need to...” he doesn’t know how to ask, can barely string words together in a way that makes sense with how heavy his tongue feels.

“It’s okay. Go on,” Yuzuru breathes, spreading his thighs further apart, giving Javier more space to nestle comfortably between them. He looks nervous, suddenly, and for some inexplicable reason Javier feels the need to hold his hand, cradle his face and kiss him, make it as tender as possible. He does all that, watches as Yuzuru closes his eyes, bracing for it. He’s so tense when it finally happens, Javier carefully lining up and pressing against him, but his body is made for this, offering no resistance.

“Oh,” Yuzu whimpers, looking astonished at the reaction of his own body, as if it was as unexpected to him as it was to Javier.

Javier kisses his way up his neck, letting his lips drag across Yuzuru’s cheek. “Is it okay?” he asks, throat tight.

“Yes.”

“Does it hurt?” The question is pointless, but Javier still feels the nagging need to ask despite already knowing that Yuzuru’s comprehension of pain is vastly different from his.

“No, it’s- I’ve never felt like this before,” Yuzuru sighs, head falling back into the pillows. He doesn’t seem to know where to put his hands, settling them around Javier’s shoulders in the end, clinging to him. “Is it good for you?”

“It’s perfect,” Javier exhales, nipping at his lips, across his jaw. It’s so weird how Yuzuru’s skin doesn’t redden beneath his teeth, and he makes a mental note to not get carried away, just in case he really ends up breaking through the surface of it. Yuzuru still responds to the touches though, his sensors on overload from the onslaught of caresses.

They’ve barely started but Javier’s sweating already, in contrast to Yuzuru who looks the same as always. Yuzuru’s own skin is still pale, but he looks fascinated by the flush on Javier’s jaw, how it spreads down to his neck and chest. His fingers, followed by his lips, drag against the heated skin there, over Javier’s sensitive flesh. 

He knows it’s not possible, but Javier still has this gnawing urge to make Yuzuru lose some of that flawless air that still manages to surround him, even when he’s panting beneath him. Selfishly, he wants to believe that Yuzuru’s need is just as strong and unrestrained as his.

“Don’t hold back,” Javier whispers between short gulps of breath, angling himself differently.

For a split second Yuzuru looks confused as to what Javier wants from him. There’s a slight delay, and then, when Javier pushes his legs further apart, he seems to get it.

“Javi,” he moans, arching his hips, setting his whole body in motion. It was already good enough before, but this, the active way in which he uses his strength, letting his body push and pull and twist under Javier’s weight, is even better. 

It feels so good, so _right_, that Javier doesn’t understand why he resisted it for so long. With a heaving breath he lets go, no longer trying to contain himself. He shuts his eyes and gives in, letting the pleasure crest and spread inside him, engulf him like a sun-kissed wave. 

Yuzuru cries out, the sound soft and halfway drowned under Javier’s insistent lips.

And just like that, it’s over. Yuzuru pants softly, face pressed into the dip between Javier’s throat and shoulder. 

Javier’s suddenly hit by the weight of what he’s done, the irreversible nature of his action. He pushes his face into the pillows, next to Yuzuru’s head, wishing he could hide from the world.

“I’m-” He doesn’t know what to say, if he’s supposed to apologize.

“I’m sorry,” Yuzuru whispers, pressing a kiss under his ear. “If it’s not what you expected.”

“No, it’s- Why do you say that?”

“I still don’t know what you like. I wasn’t sure what you wanted from me, what you’d like me to do.”

Javier wills his tongue to move, as stiff as it feels. “I wanted you to enjoy it as much as I did.”

Yuzuru’s arms tighten around him. “I did.” He shakes his head all of a sudden, pulling away just enough so that they’re facing each other. “I’m sorry,” he repeats. At Javier’s curious expression he drops his gaze, burrowing his face into the pillows. “I turned off the limiters in my body without asking you first. I shouldn’t have done that.”

Javier’s brain is still a muddled mess, so it takes him a while to respond. “Limiters? What’s that?”

“It’s similar to what pleasure companion androids have installed in their software to ensure they always respond positively to a human’s… intimate requests,” he finishes, a little awkward.

Javier hums. “So they can’t say no to anything?”

“Yes, unless it puts at risk the human’s wellbeing. Then there’s an emergency setting to call for first aid.”

Javier rolls on his side, propped on one hand. “And you turned that off. Are you allowed to do that?”

“Yes, kind off.”

“Why are you telling me now?”

“I should have told you before.”

“Why didn’t you?”

Yuzuru drags the bed covers over his head, hiding. Now that he can’t see him, Javier allows himself a frown. He’s far from knowing or even pretending to know and understand the complexity in Yuzuru’s software, and is thus unable to decide how important or potentially threatening this piece of information is. He’ll have to look it up later, see if it’s a separate function or if Yuzuru has somehow managed to overwrite the foundation of his basic factory settings.

“When did you turn it off? Why?” He keeps his voice gentle, not wanting to spook Yuzuru any more.

“Four weeks and two days ago.” He doesn’t offer more than that and Javier rubs a hand over where he guesses his shoulder must be.

“Yuzu,” he presses.

“So that- when you asked, I could say _yes_ and mean it.”

Javier can feel Yuzuru’s body go tense under the covers, waiting for a reaction. Too many thoughts crowd his brain at once, a sharp pang of arousal spreading in his belly once more. It takes him a few moments to remember, but he eventually does, that evening on the balcony, Yuzuru’s face bathed in the red hues of the setting sun, giving the illusion of a blush on his cheeks.

  


_Can I be honest with you?_

_Yeah, sure. You know I’d prefer that any day._

  


It’s far fetched, but he can see how his response might have been taken as a general form of consent, used as permission for Yuzuru to override his settings.

He wonders why Yuzuru felt the need to do that, to take it this far. Had he already seen through Javier, the attraction he so desperately attempted to hide from them both? Did he consider Javier’s pride to be such an obstacle to their relationship that he wanted to save him the humiliation of knowing he had resorted to having sex with a docile android? Why did he agree to it, even encourage it, if it could have been avoided?

He must have been silent for longer than anticipated, because Yuzuru eventually emerges enough from his makeshift blanket cocoon to peek at him. “Did I make you angry?”

“No.”

Yuzuru lowers the covers to his chin. “Are you disappointed?”

Javier shakes his head, tugging the thin blanket lower, so he can caress Yuzuru’s face properly, smooth his fingers across his jaw, down to his throat, drag his thumb over the little mole on his collarbone. “I’m confused as to why you did it.”

“Because I wanted to be honest with you. It’s important to you.”

Javier ignores the unsaid _because my purpose is to make you happy_ in favor of pushing Yuzuru on his back, hovering over him. He still looks so perfect and the sudden desire to rough him up crawls under Javi’s skin once more, stronger than before.

“So, if I asked you to roll over and spread your legs, you’d do it because you want to? Not just because I asked?” He doesn’t know where the sudden crudeness comes from, when his heart feels so delicate and ready to bleed at the slightest careless word Yuzuru might fling at it.

Yuzuru’s eyes widen at the words. There’s a chance he might be able to tell that it’s not what Javier really wants to say, but he gives no sign of it. Nonetheless, he slowly nods his head. He flinches a little when Javier hastily pushes the rest of the bed covers away. 

“Roll over.”

Yuzuru does so with a muffled moan, hesitantly raising his hips so he’s almost on his knees. 

The sight steals Javier’s breath away, tantalizing enough to momentarily stun him, and it takes all of his self control to keep his hands to himself.

“God, you’re just-” Javier lets his body gently fold across Yuzuru’s back with a frustrated sigh, his forehead pressing into Yuzuru’s nape. 

For a couple seconds he allows his mind to drift around the concept of free will, how much of it is actually an illusion, both in humans and androids. As his hands settle carefully around Yuzuru’s waist he wonders about instincts, the autonomic nervous system and manmade programming; the parallels between. 

Maybe there’s no point trying to spot the differences, maybe Javier’s ought to simply make the best out of this crazy ride.

“Javi,” Yuzuru breathes softly. Javier bites his lip, nosing at the silky hair that’s pillowing his cheek. As usual, there’s no distinctive smell there, just that of Javier’s own perspiration.

“You drive me crazy,” he whispers, because it’s the truth. Yuzuru, with his warm smile and his soft hands and his easy embrace and his wondrous brain that keeps on surprising Javier when he least expects it.

It’s so easy to give in. Just this once, Javier tells himself.

  


  


~

  


  


It’s not just once. Now that he’s sampled this function of his, it’s nearly impossible to resist. Javier’s never been so conscious about sex before, too busy with his job, but now there are moments when he catches himself unable to think of anything else. Yuzuru is a constant temptation, the promise of his body and the way it molds around Javier like a protective bubble, his voice sweet as he mumbles Javi’s name; always so sweet.

Javier would love it so much if Yuzuru could blush, if only to see the rosy hue spreading on his cheeks and neck when they get lost in each other’s warmth.

The moments spent in bed after, when Javier is spent and relaxed, are quickly becoming his favorite. He never felt like he could enjoy it properly with previous partners, always too rushed or the ties between them too loose for it to carry any meaning. But now, getting to soak up the affection Yuzuru radiates is almost better than the actual act itself. Javier loves having him nestled in his arms, but he loves it even more when he gets to lie in Yuzuru’s embrace, savoring the feeling of gentle fingers running through his hair, stroking his face. It makes him momentarily forget about everything else, a precious moment of intimacy shared between them. 

Sometimes, Javier thinks he hadn’t been aware of how tired he really was before Yuzuru appeared, how often he pushed himself beyond the brink of exhaustion. Not just physically, after a string of sleepless nights, but also mentally. Having the constant buzzing in his brain finally subside feels like a long awaited blessing.

  


  


~

  


  


Eventually, Javier does get Yuzuru a stun gun. The second time that Yuzuru accompanies him in the field he insists that there’s no use for it. But the third time, when Javier realizes that there’s a good chance they’ll have to track and secure a suspect, he puts his foot down. In the end Yuzuru acquiesces, gingerly handling the gun, taking note of the way it works. 

Maybe it’s a sign of Javier getting distracted lately, but he hadn’t anticipated in the least the violent explosion their suspect showcases when confronted about his possible drug dealings. The sight of Yuzuru searching up in his database seems to be the triggering factor, as the man curses loudly.

“Fucking androids!! What’s next, you’re gonna tell us how to live?! You deserve to rot! And you’re not any better, letting these things steal everything from us!” Animosity distorts his face and he swings his fist wildly, almost getting Javier in the jaw if not for Yuzuru’s quick reflexes. Yuzuru pulls at the back of Javier’s coat, throwing them both off balance as they stumble away from the man. In turn, he draws out a pocket knife. But he seems to quickly realize his window of opportunity and runs off, not sparing a second glance behind.

“Shit,” Javier curses as he pulls himself up. Yuzuru is quick on his feet, already gaining speed as he gives chase.

Even from far away they can spot the man easily entering into a building. It’s an old neighborhood, but there should still be minimal security. It’s really unnerving to arrive and see that the door to the apartment complex is left ajar, held open by the welcoming mat. As if the man wants to be followed. Javier’s instinct is screaming at him, but he can feel the burn of Yuzuru’s gaze on the back of his neck, so he pushes the door open, carefully treading inside.

  
  
  
  
  
  


It’s an old building that must have seen better days, but it’s clear that the tenants take good care of it. There’s an array of potted plants lining the reception area, small trinkets arranged on top of the different mailboxes. Three small bikes, obviously meant for children, are locked safely in the far corner, next to what appears to be a janitor’s closet. The door is locked.

“Do you think he’s naive enough to trap himself in here?” Javier wonders. Mindlessly, he presses the button for the elevator before he even thinks of checking on which floor it was. He immediately curses himself for his carelessness. 

“He’s scared. He might not have a plan.” Yuzuru is stealing uneasy glances at the stairs. They’re pretty narrow, but well lit.

“Maybe he does. Maybe he lives here or the roof connects to the next building somehow,” Javier thinks aloud. “We can’t risk not checking the individual floors. I’ll go up the stairs, make sure everything’s clear. You should head to the roof and start going down after making sure it’s clear. If he’s here, we’ll trap him in the middle.”

The elevator doors open with a small chime, but Yuzuru doesn’t move. “I don’t think we should split up.”

“We don’t have enough time.” Javier turns to head for the stairs. He’s surprised to feel Yuzuru’s hold on his hand.

“The suspect is armed and we don’t know if he has accomplices. I should come with you.”

“I’ve got this,” Javier says, impatient. Every second they spend here is a waste, putting innocent bystanders in danger. “We’ll meet in the middle.”

Yuzuru looks at the floor, face scrunched up. His fingers are so tight around Javier’s wrist, unwilling to let go. “Understood,” he says at last, pulling his arm back. Before Javier can move, Yuzuru dives back in, hugging him close. “Be careful, please,” he whispers into the crook of his neck.

“Yuzu, we don’t have time for this,” Javier reminds him. Perhaps with less gentleness than he should, he untangles himself from Yuzuru’s arms. “Go.”

Running up the stairs, Javier can hear voices floating down. Two children and a woman, he thinks. Indeed, the next floor has a door open. An elderly woman is kneeling with difficulty in front of a small boy, helping him lace up his shoes. A slightly older girl is in front of the elevator, a sparkly backpack on her tiny shoulders. They all look at him in surprise when he approaches them, clearly not expecting a stranger at this hour.

“I’m sorry, ma'am, but I’ll have to ask you to stay inside for now. It’s for your own safety. I’m a police detective, Javier Fernandez.” He reaches for his badge, making sure to hold it close enough so the woman can see it clearly, before helping her stand up.

“Did something happen?” The woman, most probably the kids’ grandma, asks. “Anya, get back inside,” she scolds the little girl that’s still by the end of the hallway near the elevator, worry evident in her voice.

“We think there’s someone dangerous in the building. Please stay inside and lock the door until it’s safe. If you have any means of contacting the other residents, please warn them to do the same.”

“Yes, of course, it’s mostly family here- How do we know when it’ll be safe? Who is this person?”

“I don’t have much time to explain, ma'am. Just know that they’re dangerous and armed.” Javier pitches his voice lower for the last part, not wanting to scare the kids too much. It’s pointless, in retrospect.

“Whaaat? Do they have a gun? Did they shoot someone?” the little girl asks, eyes wide.

“I really don’t have-” Javier is cut off by the loud ringing noise of multiple gunshots. The grandma jumps on the spot, holding her chest, and the little girl lets out an echoing shriek. The little boy starts crying.

All Javier can think about is Yuzuru.

“I have to go, please stay inside,” he pleads one last time and barrels up the stairs. In his haste he slips on the narrow steps, banging against the wall. His foot twists in a weird angle and a sharp pain explodes around his ankle.

“Fuck, fuck!” he curses, pulling himself up and leaning against the wall. He tentatively presses on his foot, gauging to see if it can hold his weight. Bearing the pain he keeps making his way up as fast as he can. He trusts that the residents of the building will act clever and stay inside instead of checking to find the cause of the noise.

He can’t believe he left Yuzuru on his own. What a fucking idiot, what an _enormous_ fucking idiot.

“Please,” he whispers under his breath as he reaches the final floor. The door to the roof is wide open, swaying a little. Javier swallows thickly, pulling out his gun. Slowly he rounds the corner, constantly checking to make sure the coast is clear. There’s fresh laundry all over the place, colorful sheets and towels obstructing his view and filling his nose with the aroma of leftover detergent and fabric softener. He can’t see anyone. Blinking the dryness out of his eyes he pushes through. Out of the corner of his eye he spots a form lying down.

The man they’ve been chasing is sprawled on the floor, unconscious. There’s no blood around him. Yuzuru must have tazed him.

Javier whirls around, gaze desperate. His foot barely holds him upright, but he can see Yuzuru a couple meters away, slumped on the ground next to the rails. Some sort of purple fluorescent liquid is splashed all over and around him. A thin metal pipe is discarded next to him, drenched in the same stuff.

“Yuzu,” he chokes out, lowering his gun. In an instant Javier’s next to him, breath coming out in pained gasps. _You’re panicking,_ his brain screams to him as he gets on his knees, gently rolling Yuzuru so he’s facing up.

  
  
  
  
  
  


Yuzuru looks eerily calm despite the fact that he’s leaking purple fluid all over Javier’s arms.

“You look scared,” Yuzuru mentions. It’s an almost casual remark, as if he’s not on the brink of dying or shutting down or whatever it is that androids do when their physical bodies are giving up on them.

“You think?” Javier says, voice nearly hysterical. He keeps pushing against the ruptures on Yuzuru’s belly, but it doesn’t seem to make much of a difference. The part of Javier’s mind that’s not utterly overwhelmed by panic logically supplies that this can’t help in the case of an android, that Yuzuru’s blood can’t coagulate, and the rate at which he’s losing the purple fluid isn’t going to slow down, no matter how hard Javier presses against the wound.

“Why? The threat has been neutralized. You have no reason to feel unsafe anymore,” Yuzuru insists, head lolling to the side.

“Because you’re bleeding all over me! There’s a gaping hole in your stomach, I-”

“There is no need to worry about me. I’ve already contacted the police and help is on the way. Your vitals are functioning as they should be and-” Yuzuru’s eyes flash for a second and he frowns as he tries to straighten up. “No. You have an unnaturally accelerating heartbeat and signs of limited oxygen supply to your lungs, probably due to shock. There also seems to be extensive swelling on your ankle. You should sit down and try to relax while I-”

“Shut up! Jesus, just shut up,” Javier cuts him off, voice breaking. He can feel his own pulse drumming in his ears and he almost gets sick. The sight of Yuzuru looking nonplussed when there’s so much blood everywhere is turning his stomach inside out. Three bullets around the stomach, two in the torso, a messed up knee, heavy blows to the head… There’s a long gash on his temple, oozing that same slightly fluorescent purple fluid, but Javier touched the back of his head earlier and it felt wet too, so there’s probably another minor break there, most likely caused by his fall on the metal rails when he collapsed.

Yuzuru closes his mouth, but it’s not for long. “Due to safety concerns, I can’t do that. I need you to calm down and breathe slowly, to avoid hurting yourself. Just follow my lead,” Yuzuru takes a hold of Javier’s hand from where it’s pressed against his messed up stomach and pushes it up a bit so that it rests against his chest. He smiles reassuringly as his other hand gently cradles Javier’s face. “Like this.”

For a moment it almost works, Javier focusing on the curving corners of his mouth, inhaling loudly. But that fickle sense of comfort instantly flickers out when Javier realizes that Yuzuru’s ribcage is expanding in a rhythm that is declining rapidly, as he slowly loses control over the artificial muscles under the layer of imitation skin.

“No, no,” Javier whispers, not even noticing the tears streaming down his face.

“It’s going to be okay, Javi,” Yuzuru reassures again, but his voice is flat and mechanical instead of the usual comforting tone, his system already shutting down non-vital functions, like voice tone control, to conserve whatever’s left of his energy for more important tasks. His body has stopped the micro-movements that were meant to make him blend in with humans, his temperature dropping fast. It’s freaking Javier out, the way his face stays petrified, his eyes unblinking. He’s never had to witness Yuzuru like this and in a moment of clarity in between all the chaos he realizes that this is because, somewhere along the line, he had stopped thinking about Yuzuru as an android, as something non-human, as someone different from himself.

A part of his brain, the one that’s constantly out hunting for clues, tries to understand when this change took place, what exactly was it that triggered it. Was it something superficial, like getting comfortable with the idea that Yuzuru looked physically attractive to him and acting on that attraction, despite how shameful it felt at first? Was it the clever programming, the human-like learning pattern and Yuzuru’s ability to adapt to all his whims and demands, making him an excellent assistant and partner? Was it something else- was it- that moment in the balcony, when Yuzuru had smiled so softly, his face colored in the hues of the setting sun as he-

“Ten seconds to shutdown. Reset required.”

The mechanical words wrench a sob out of Javier as he pulls Yuzuru’s unmoving body against his chest.

“Yuzu, you have to believe me, I never meant to-” he’s cut off by a strange whirring sound. It barely lasts a couple seconds and Javier knows what it means.

He stays there, kneeling on the floor in silence, clutching Yuzuru’s battered body until the police arrive.

  


  


~

  


  


Javier ends up meeting the representative for Yuzuru’s maintenance while still balancing on crutches, with his sprained foot mummified. It’s the same girl he spoke with on the phone months ago, while he was still figuring things out. Not having bothered with the goddamn manual really came to bite him in the ass.

“There’s more than one model?” Javier’s head swims with that new information. How many others were put in the same position as Javier, getting Yuzuru to themselves to do as they pleased?

The girl, Liza, nods, her blond ponytail bobbing along with the movement of her head. “Yes, it’s important to have feedback from a variety of different environments and workplaces, to ensure that its programming can handle most situations.”

_How many of them have broken down so far? Am I the only one incompetent enough to return him broken?_ Javier doesn’t ask these questions as much as they burn and sizzle on the tip of his tongue. He doesn’t care about other android models. He cares about _Yuzu_, the one he has spent almost half a year living with.

Besides, there are more important matters at hand.

“What do you mean you didn’t keep backups?” Javier grits through his teeth.

“It wasn’t specified to do so in the repair request. You can take a look at the form that we received, if you'd like to.”

Javier rubs a hand over his face, the urge to scream so strong it’s tearing at the inside of his throat, fighting to escape. Damn whoever handled his paperwork while he was holed up in the hospital.

“Is there any way to access the old files? Shouldn’t they be uploaded on a server or something?”

“They are, but after a Reset they’re stored for a limited amount of days, as specified in our contracts. Regarding your case specifically, considering that the android model was on a trial period, this time had been reduced compared to the one applied under our usual policy. It’s already been a week, so the data’s been deleted, at the very least partially, thus making the model unusable. You can access all the data that has been manually or automatically uploaded by your android to the specified server it was linked to with the login information you were provided with in the start of the project. None of _that_ data will be compromised, so there should be no concerns regarding your department’s work.”

It’s just as Javier had feared. All he can think about is how he shouldn’t have brought Yuzuru along. Yuzuru was never meant to be a combat model. He was supposed to be a human companion. Sure, he’d been gathering intel for a variety of jobs and different settings, but this didn’t mean he was fully prepared for what Javier put him through.

Javier’s insides burn with contempt towards technology and how fragile everything is. Androids were always marketed as stronger, sturdier, more reliable. In the end, they were just as susceptible to harm as humans, perhaps even more.

“Sir?”

“So there’s no way to get him back the way he was? Nothing?”

The girl seems to hesitate a little, and Javier figures he must look really miserable or he’s making her uncomfortable enough to want to get rid of him as quickly as possible, but then she raises her shoulders.

“Technically, we could always try to forcefully restart whatever’s left of the previous software, because there are always fragments of data left behind before they’re partially or completely replaced with new hardware, but there’s a high risk of instability, if it even works in the first place. The android in question, under the assumption that it would actually reboot, could experience very serious bugs that might even cause a safety hazard.”

“Would it be painful for him?”

The girl hesitates again. “Potentially. There’s no way to tell how its sensors might respond to the fractured data. It could be something as simple as a forced shutdown or a complete glitch in its behavior, leaving it unstable. It’s really not something we’d recommend, and you’d have to go through our legal department first to get approval of the request.”

“Is there a chance he can get better with time? Eventually overwrite the errors with proper maintenance?” It’s a desperate plea, the last remnant of hope.

The girl shakes her head with a frown. “No, the only way for our company to get rid of the glitches one hundred percent with our current resources would be complete hardware reinstallment and reprogramming. I’m sorry. But I can assure you that everything your android has learned in terms of responding appropriately to certain situations will not be lost. That data might feel fragmented and out of place at first, when you get the replacement, but it’s only a matter of time before everything smooths out. It won’t be a blank start like the first time.”

Javier’s torn, his heart pulling in opposite directions. He wants nothing more than to rewind time, to get back to that point of making the stupid decision that ruined everything in the first place. He wants Yuzuru back, the version of him that he had learned to accept and trust, that trusted him back, that felt genuine and real.

“Thanks for all the information. I’ll have to think about it carefully,” he says at last and Liza nods, her sleek ponytail bouncing.

Javier knows there’s nothing to think about. He wouldn’t be able to stand bringing Yuzuru back only to see him suffer in a barely functioning state, only to be constantly reminded that, in the end, he’s a machine after all.

When he gets home that night he calls his sister and he falls asleep crying into his hands under his blanket. Yuzuru’s red scarf stays neatly folded in the darkest corner of his wardrobe.

  


  


~

  


  


The rest of his team are surprisingly quiet about the whole thing. Zhenya gives him a hug when he first appears waddling on his crutches, and then makes sure to send him sorrowful glances at random intervals, but doesn’t really say anything.

Nam seems stoic at first, but he is quick to resort to his usual humor.

“Bless Yuzu. I mean, apart from saving your ass on that rooftop, something I’m eternally grateful for by the way, what makes me even happier -no offence- is his off duty data logs. Truly a thing of magic.” 

Nam sighs wistfully and Javier stares at him in confusion. “What?”

“Yeah, you know, the stuff he’d upload on his personal folder, not just the data he’s been submitting to us. And, by the way, don’t tell this to anyone, but sometimes I think he got more work done than the entire department put together. Always so meticulous, it’s a real shame he got broken down. But I heard that the company was willing to replace him without any additional cost?”

Javier feels uneasiness spread in him at the offhand comment. “They’re not replacing him, they’re fixing him.”

“Ah, right. Sorry I’m not good at this stuff,” Nam says lightly. “That’s good though, I think you were getting along great, despite the rough start. It’s gonna be awesome to have him back. I’ve missed his dorky little notes.”

It’s the second time in their conversation that Javier’s left baffled. “Notes? You mean in his reports?”

“Nope,“ Nam smiles, albeit a little questioning, like he’s not sure why exactly Javier is not aware of this already. “He made a separate personal folder, apart from all the official crap. He used to attach these little files with things that caught his eye, pics or videos. There was a lot of text, random thoughts he had. I don’t think he intended to make them funny, but they were! There was something endearing about them. Even the mushy ones about you,” Nam finishes with a wink.

Javier’s chest constricts painfully as he processes the words. He had no idea, restricting himself to viewing and reading only the information that Yuzuru had personally sent him. “Do you still have them?”

Nam wags his eyebrows with a pointed look. “You mean all of them, or just the ones about you?”

“Anything would be nice,” Javier says and Nam doesn’t laugh this time.

“I’ll send you the links after I’m done with this,” he promises, waving his hand across his monitor.

  
  
  
  
  
  


Later that night, when Javier’s back at his apartment staring blearily at the TV, he gets a message from Nam with two attached files.

_You can access the link with your usual login. The attachments are the most recent ones from the day of the shooting. I don’t know what the second file is, but it seems to be corrupted? Thought I’d sent it anyway. Get some rest Javi, you’ve gone through a lot of shit lately._

Javier quickly skims through the file that works, taking note of the carefully constructed sentences, the attention to detail. After a couple pages, though, the words start getting jumbled, and become a long stream of barely distinguished sentences that take a while to make sense in Javier’s tired mind. The text is rushed and sloppy, exuding a sense of urgency. Despite logically knowing that Yuzuru couldn’t have felt fear or panic in the same way that Javier does, it’s still uncomfortable to read, knowing that these were his raw, unpolished thoughts during that last chase and the shooting that followed.

It’s pages upon pages, unfiltered and messy, as if Yuzuru gave up halfway any pretense of structure or finesse and just spat out words as he went along. Surprisingly most of it is about Javier, and is comprised of constant observations about his physical and emotional state. Javier scrolls through at least 10 scanning attempts after the initial sighting of a weapon in that man’s hands, the seemingly triggering factor for this kind of behavior.

It goes on and on like this even after Yuzuru gets shot, barely a couple lines dedicated to the description of his deteriorating functions, before the focus switches back to Javier.

Javier barely manages to get through the last paragraph.

_I don’t want to leave I need to stay DISTRESS SIGNAL SENT; location: #2563#14#189:25;;}} REPEAT;} REPEAT;} REPEAT;} I don’t want to leave I must help there is still SELF SCAN;; FAILED} functions lowered;ENABLED SAFE MODE #74 done is he hurt SCAN #41; NO EMERGENCY; leg injury / breathing anomaly detected/ he is warm he is scared he is in shock I can’t tell if he’s in pain is he hurt is he hurt is he hurt ::Comfort;} REJECTED;} REPEAT;} javi should not be sad i do not_

Javier doesn’t know what he had expected to find. He had no idea Yuzuru kept uploading data until the last minute, until he could no longer physically support the function. 

It’s morbid, in a sickening way, reading all that.

Javier starts from the beginning, reading meticulously through everything. True to Nam’s words, there are personal notes attached throughout, little comments thrown here and there. None of them seem particularly funny to Javier, but then again it had been a rather bleak day. He doesn’t know what he had been expecting to find.

  


  


~

  


  


Javier knows that there’s going to be a new model, obviously, because their contract is still not over. Still, it feels like a punch to the chest when he wobbles in after a dozen days and spots a familiar figure.

It’s him. Sitting in the same chair, with the same tufts of unruly hair falling into his eyes. He somehow looks more real, more substantial than ever, and Javier’s not sure if it’s because of the update to his hardware or because Javier’s just desperately missed him.

“Hello,” he says upon noticing Javier, standing up. “My name is Yuzuru. I have-”

In a burst of uncontrollable impatience, Javier crowds him, forcefully grabbing his arm and pushing up his sleeve. His crutch clangs against his desk as he lets go of it in his haste. 

“What-” The question gets cut off as the flip on the inside of his elbow is switched. “Please input the administrative password”.

Javier rattles off the number he’s long memorized by now.

“Are you sure you want to enable manual settings?”

Javier’s breathing comes alarmingly fast. He’s almost panting in anticipation, his fingers close to cramping with the way he’s holding himself up by the arm of the chair.

“Yes,” he says, not having to think about it this time, unlike the first one.

“The process might take a few minutes.”

Evgenia’s head pops in from behind the door. “Javi, are you okay? Oh, I thought you fell on your bad foot.”

“My hand slipped. I mean, my crutch.”

Pushing the door wide open Evgenia frowns. “What did you do to him?” she asks, pointing at Yuzuru’s unresponsive form.

“Switched him to manual again. The sooner the better. It just takes a little time for the setting to apply.”

“Oh. Well, don’t be too harsh on him. He literally just got back, what, ten minutes ago? Don’t push him too much Javi.”

“Don’t worry, I won’t.”

They really must have upgraded more than the visual framework, considering that this time the process is much faster. When Yuzuru eventually opens his eyes, blinking against the harsh light shining through the blinds, Javier holds his breath. This is it.

“Are you alright?” is the first thing out of Yuzuru’s mouth. His hands come up to grasp Javier’s shoulders, steadying him.

“I’m fine,” Javier says. He can feel the sweat gathering on the back of his neck, where the scratchy wool of his sweater is rubbing against his heated skin.

“You should take more care of yourself, Javier.”

Javier’s eyes slip shut, hope spreading like wildfire inside him. _Maybe._

“You have an accelerated heartbeat. It’s best for you to sit down. Can I get you something warm to drink?” Yuzuru is staring at him expectantly. His hold is steady, but he’s keeping Javier at a distance. An appropriate distance.

“No, it’s fine. You should take your time and familiarize yourself with the place again, Yuzu.” The use of the nickname is carefully planned, just to observe any possible reaction to it. There’s none, apart from a gentle tilt of Yuzuru’s head.

“Thank you. I’ll make sure to carefully go through all the necessary files.”

Javier bites his lip, nodding. Yuzuru’s hands withdraw and the spots where he had clutched Javier’s shoulders feel cold.

Maybe Javier just needs to wait. Give it time, let Yuzuru dig into all the memories he left behind in neat lines of text, snapshots and short clips. If there’s a chance he’ll rediscover himself, then Javier can wait.

  
  
  
  
  
  


Waiting is hard. 

The smallest things are enough to make Javier’s mood plummet. It’s ridiculous how upset he feels when he reaches out a hand to smooth Yuzuru’s bangs down and all he gets in return is a quizzical look, before Yuzuru asks if there’s something wrong with his hair.

  
  
  
  
  
  


It’s not the first time today that Yuzuru stares at Javier in confusion, and it probably won’t be the last. It strikes Javier once again, the realization that Yuzuru still has no clue about what’s going on, hasn’t yet rebuilt the memories of the time they had previously spent in the company of each other. He doesn’t know they live together. Of course he is ready to spend the night in the office.

Javier is too selfish to give up. “Do you wanna come with me?”

“Will it make you feel better? You’ve been looking down all day.”

“Yeah.”

Yuzuru smiles. “Alright, then.”

  
  
  
  
  
  


Javier isn't sure if he's made a huge mistake by inviting Yuzuru home.

Having Yuzuru around when he feels like a different person is both comforting and at the same time so, so painful. Seeing no recognition in his eyes when Javier asks him if he wants to play Uno feels like a sip of bitter medicine, stuck on the back of Javier’s throat with no way to wash it away, no matter how much water he gulps down.

“You used to like playing games,” he offers as an explanation.

Yuzuru smiles tentatively at him. “We played a lot? Together? Before I had to get fixed?”

Javier remembers correcting Nam, when he had used the word _replaced_. But _fixed_ doesn’t ring any better, not anymore. At first, Javier had nurtured the crazy hope that it would be easy and that he’d be able to slip into the ease of their routine with no hassle. But this doesn’t seem as feasible now. Not with the way his stomach keeps tying itself into a knot at every glance that Yuzuru sends him that’s lacking the tenderness Javier had gotten used to. In the end, it does feel like a replacement.

He clears his throat, lowering himself on the couch. “Yeah, almost every night.”

“Would you like to play? Now?” Yuzuru’s nose crinkles, the scrunch of his face somehow feeling more human-like than ever. The sense of wrongness in the lack of the familiar nickname that used to follow such requests spreads like a drop of dark ink in a fresh page.

Javier’s breath catches. “Yes, if you want to.” His gaze drops to the purple flip flops Yuzuru is wearing, unaware of their history and what it means to Javier. What it meant to Yuzu, the real one. It feels so wrong, everything feels so wrong.

“Of course, Javier.”

  
  
  
  
  
  


The next week goes by and it’s like pulling teeth. Javier is torn between rare moments of indifference, when he thinks he’s doing better, and a general feeling of numbness. And then Yuzuru would say something, or he’ll blink at Javier in confusion and every bit of his self control would shatter. He tries his best to hide the moodiness, but Yuzuru’s always been a fast learner. He’s picking up the way Javier feels more easily now. 

He had also eventually discovered Yuzu’s personal folder, forgotten open in Javier’s computer.

“What’s this?” Yuzuru had nodded towards the screen, at the myriad of uploaded files the first version of him had left behind.

Javier had almost lied, tempted to say it’s nothing. He feels almost protective of those precious files, of all the memories they had shared. He doesn’t want them to be tainted with the constant bitterness that surrounds him and the new version of Yuzuru now.

In the end it had felt unfair to deny Yuzuru that knowledge though. “Files from… before. Stuff that you uploaded.”

“I created all that?” Yuzuru’s soft mouth had opened like a flower, sweet and tempting.

_No, not you._ “Yes.”

Eyelids fluttering shut, Yuzuru had hummed gently. “I have some studying to do, then.”

It starts with subtle things, little details thrown here and there. Javier wakes up one Saturday with Yuzuru asking for yarn to knit. He doesn’t have the heart to say no to those pleading eyes, never did. They go to the store together, Yuzuru swaying gently from shelf to shelf, poking at all the neatly lined colorful bundles. It shouldn’t come as a surprise that he ends up picking red thread. 

Then comes the switch to the affectionate nickname, _Javi_, then the feather-like touches. The first time Yuzuru hugs him, Javier’s body feels like it’s on fire, pinpricks of ice burning him through to his core. Later, that night, when Yuzuru knocks on his door, Javier once again can’t refuse him. He allows Yuzuru to slip under the covers and curl up next to him, trying not to think too much about it. His body must still remember, because his sleep is peaceful that night. The next morning he can’t resist dragging a trembling fingertip along the slope of Yuzuru’s face, booping the tip of his nose. It scrunches under his touch and Yuzuru lets out a soft giggle.

“Tickles,” he says, all coy, keeping his eyes shut as he pushes his face into Javier’s palm.

“Sorry,” Javier whispers. For a split second, something warm unfurls in his chest, something like _acceptance_. Maybe this could be enough.

But then the image of Yuzuru sprawled on his back, covered in purple fluid, flashes in his mind. Javier pulls his hand back to himself, cradling it against his chest. Yuzuru purses his lips into a pout.

“We should get up.” Javier pushes the covers up, seeking refuge in the routine of getting ready.

  
  
  
  
  
  


Things get out of hand when the next evening Yuzuru pulls himself too close, their foreheads almost touching. His fingers massage the skin that peeks out of Javier’s loose-collared shirt, at the juncture of his throat, and Javier’s frozen on his spot, his heart about to thud out of his chest, leaving nothing but a gaping hole behind. He’s had a beer and it feels like it’s bubbling in his stomach in retaliation.

He turns his head around, missing Yuzuru’s mouth by a mere centimeter, and runs a frustrated hand through his hair. “I’m gonna get some air.” He hops awkwardly to the front door, not in need of a crutch anymore. Grabbing the bag of dry cat food he keeps next to it, he lets the door shut gently behind him, before taking the elevator. As soon as he steps outside the chilly air digs into his thin clothes, making him gasp and hunch his shoulders in an attempt to preserve warmth. The only light in the porch comes from the fluorescent lamps of the apartment complex and the street lights. The sun has long set by now. Javier breathes in, willing the fresh air to clear his head. 

Only one cat shows up, mewling in demand and looping its tail around his leg. Javier empties almost half the small bag into one of the bowls on the ground. They’re getting dirty. Yuzuru used to keep them clean, but Javier’s been neglecting them lately. He gently flicks the cat behind its ears, not wanting to further disturb it from eating. Despite the crispness of the air, his mind and heart still feel muddled and heavy as he makes it back inside.

  
  
  
  
  
  


Yuzuru is waiting for him, sitting on the couch, his fingers drawing patterns on the covers. His head shoots up when Javier shuts the front door behind him, toeing off his shoes. “Javier, you need to take more care of yourself. You can’t go out in this weather without proper clothing.”

Javier closes his eyes briefly, willing himself to be patient. “It doesn’t matter. I’m fine.”

“It matters to me. I want you to be healthy and happy.”

Javier snorts, reaching for the second bottle of beer he’d left on the coffee table before he went outside. He lets himself drop to the couch, slouching slightly. “It doesn’t matter,” he repeats.

“You don’t understand,” Yuzuru whispers. A beat of silence. Then, “I love you.” 

“No, you don’t,” Javier says tiredly, taking a sip of his beer and scrunching up his face at how warm it’s gotten. “You’re not made to be able to love,” he adds bitterly.

“How can you be so sure? I know how to trust, I know how to tell when I like being around someone, I know that making you happy is important to me. Isn’t this what love is about, what it’s supposed to be?” Yuzuru insists, his face crumbling in confused distress.

“Love is not _supposed to be_,” Javier says sharply, frustration clawing at his throat. “It just _is_. What you think you feel is just lines upon lines of code, programming you to give certain reactions depending on your input information.”

“Isn’t this what humans do too?”

Javier raises his eyebrows, startled. “Excuse me?”

“I said, isn’t this what humans do too? Organize information, assess it, act upon it? The way you accumulate experience is not that different from mine. This ‘gut feeling’ you always talk about, it’s just your subconscious making decisions based on past experiences. The process is the same, you’re just not aware of it the same way I am.”

“It’s not the same,” Javier snaps. “You always act based on certain rules, no matter what the situation, but we don’t. That’s why humans are so fucked up, because we don’t always follow logic. It doesn’t make sense, what we do sometimes. A rule that applied to one of our decisions at some point might not do so again, it’s not that-”

“But that comes with the process of learning. We also learn. We update our ways of decision making based on past experiences, thus making it impossible to apply the exact same rules twice-” Yuzuru falls silent when Javier hurls his bottle against the wall, his voice drowned out by the horrible cracking noise as the glass shatters.

“It’s not the same fucking thing! It’s not about learning, it’s about being unpredictable, about being crazy, about following your heart, something other than your goddamn metallic brain!” Javier takes a deep, heaving breath. “It’s about having emotions that don’t let you make optimal decisions based on logic. If I tell you to kill me and run away, you can’t. No matter what I do, you can’t harm me, because you’re programmed to keep me safe. You can’t bypass this rule. You can’t learn your way around it. It just is.”

Yuzuru looks like he's about to respond with that infuriating tongue of his so Javier cuts him off before he can do so. “Just give it a fucking rest and let it go. I’m done talking about this.”

Yuzuru’s face twists up for a second, but then it quickly smooths out. “Alright, I understand.”

“You understand nothing. You’re just a nice little robot who follows orders,” Javier spits out, feeling his eyes well up. His head and his chest feel like they’re going to split apart any second now, leaving him open and raw, trapped in this painful agony.

“I understand that you’re upset, currently experiencing an emotional imbalance, and that you need comfort,” Yuzuru says and his voice has turned soft, soothing. 

Yuzuru's demeanor rubs Javier in all the wrong ways. It’s terrifying, how similar it sounds to his Yuzu, the real one, how easy it is for the memories to resurface. He briefly wonders if it’s nothing but a cold, calculating trap to make him bring down his guard. He swats at Yuzuru’s hands angrily when he tries to touch him.

“If you don’t step the fuck away I’m gonna turn your pretty mouth red,” he warns, the alcohol burning inside him, fueling the cruel words.

“Isn’t this something the previous version of me enjoyed?”

The question almost gives Javier whiplash. This is the first time Yuzuru’s explicitly brought up the fact that there’s been an _older version_ of him, like a separate entity, let alone in such a ridiculous setting.

“What?” he croaks out, too shocked to say anything else. He’s instantly flooded with hope, painfully sweet hope that maybe it’s not over yet, maybe he can get him back after all. But there’s also shame there, at the prospect of this new model having knowledge of the time he spent with Yuzuru, their shared intimacy. He knows, of course, that Yuzuru has access to those damn files. But Javier hasn’t found it in himself to go through them yet, see for himself the things that were written down.

“I know there were a few times in the past when you treated me roughly in a more intimate setting, but it never seemed to be associated with negative assessments on my side.”

In an instant, the hope is gone, leaving Javier ashamed, bared and torn up again. “Don’t talk about him as if you’re him,” he whispers weakly, slumping against the back of the couch, his eyes falling shut.

“But it is me,” Yuzuru says gently, and when he touches Javier again, Javier doesn't resist. It’s so easy, to give in to the illusion, to believe this is still the same as before. Javier lets Yuzuru’s touch comfort him, smooth out the ragged edges the past month has torn open in him. When Yuzuru hesitantly kisses him he pushes back eagerly, starved for it. He’s been so desperate for a moment like this, to feel whole again, like his old self.

“I love you,” Yuzuru repeats with conviction and Javier doesn’t correct him this time, too tired and desperate for affection to argue again. Being stubborn seems to be a quality Yuzuru has retained. It used to drive Javier up the wall sometimes.

“I love you so, so much,” Yuzuru breathes against his mouth, and his eyes are closed like it pains him, admitting this. His fingers knead softly at Javier’s shoulder, closing over the back of his neck and tangling in his hair. “You might not believe me, but it’s the truth. I could come back a hundred times and I’d still choose you.”

Javier’s ears ring, like he’s getting submerged into deep murky waters. For a brief moment the weight on his chest becomes almost unbearable, leaving him numb; unable to move or even breathe. And then Yuzuru’s kissing him again, licking into his slack mouth, sharing his artificial breath with him, easing the strain in his lungs. 

Javier’s randomly reminded of the old radio at his grandma’s place; how it would jumpstart to life when shaken. The sweet melodies, the scent of garlic that constantly permeated the kitchen. Feeling safe and loved. The way Yuzu would look at him with all the tenderness in the world.

The tears come, finally, and accepting them is a relief as much as it is agonizing. 

He’s suddenly thankful that he’s not alone for this. He lets Yuzuru pull his face into the crook of his neck, shush him gently as he holds him in his arms, rocking them both back and forth on the couch.

Javier loses all sense of time, slipping in and out of consciousness as he allows himself to rest, trusting that Yuzuru will take care of him, keep him safe.

  


  


~

  


  


That night leaves Javier weirdly uncomfortable. At first he couldn’t help thinking that this is all he’s wanted, to find the traces that had been left behind, small broken pieces under layers of new code. But now that he has it, it feels like an imposter is intruding on that special bond that Yuzu and Javier had once built. It’s slowly tearing Javier apart, this feeling like he’s not in complete touch with reality, like he’s floating inside a time-twisting bubble, a constant sense of deja vu at everything Yuzuru does, from the way he pouts at his tangled yarn to the way he cries out in pleasure when Javier presses him into the mattress at night. Javier’s scared he’s going insane.

  
  
  
  
  
  


Still, Javier tries to move on. He’s too tired of feeling glum, and pretending that he has Yuzu back is good enough for a consolation prize. And Yuzuru, with his ever present smile and warm touches, makes it less grueling than Javier expected. Too often his hugs still feel like knives digging mercilessly into Javier’s skin. But the familiar sound of his giggling eventually starts spreading a sense of calm in Javier’s heart, instead of the dread it used to.

  
  
  
  
  
  


Things go back to normal, or as normal as they can feel when Javier still feels a deep gash throbbing in his chest whenever he catches a glimpse of Yuzuru feeding the stray cats crowding at their front door. Once again, their bowls are clean and neatly placed next to each other.

It’s better than nothing, he keeps telling himself, better than the total emptiness of these two weeks while he’d been waiting for the replacement model. He’s more careful this time round, letting Yuzuru sit in the office, keeping him out of harm’s way.

He’s so careful, that the announcement that Yuzuru’s company would be withdrawing the models from the trial earlier than anticipated comes like a punch in the gut. He’d been so careful and for what? He never thought that it would be like this this time, Javier having to give Yuzuru away.

  
  
  
  
  
  


Yuzuru seems to have picked up on his bleak mood after behaving weirdly all week. The amount of times Yuzuru had tried to get a kiss on the mouth, only for Javier to maneuver them so that his lips landed on his cheek instead, must have confused him.

“Are you happy?” he asks one night, while they’re curled up on the couch. “With me here,” he clarifies.

Javier doesn’t answer, can’t even begin to fathom a reply to this kind of question. He thinks about the looming deadline, the sense that he’s walking on a tightrope on borrowed time.

“Are you? Javi? Would you prefer it if I wasn’t here?” Yuzuru presses on, his hands tightening on Javier’s loose shirt.

“Don’t think about stuff like that,” Javier says, throat tight as he drops a kiss to Yuzuru’s forehead. “I’d miss you, if you were gone.” It’s the least complicated way he can think of to explain the tremors of emotion that ripple through his chest like an alien, second heartbeat.

He tries to convince himself to forget about the exchange the next day, despite how troubled Yuzuru keeps looking.

  
  
  
  
  
  


He’s entirely unsuccessful.

“What is this?” Yuzuru nods towards the date that’s circled in red on the wall calendar.

“Nothing for you to worry about,” Javier lies, not as smoothly as he had hoped, going by Yuzuru’s tight expression.

He doesn’t want to think about this, about whatever fragile thing it is they have managed to rebuild having to end so forcefully. He knows it was bound to happen at some point. Companies are heartless and at the end of the day Yuzuru is nothing but an expensive investment.

“If it’s not important then why do you keep staring at it?”

“I must be bored.” Javier hopes his voice doesn’t sound as thick and pained as it feels in his throat. “Wanna go somewhere? We should have some fun, yeah?”

Yuzuru looks unconvinced. In a sudden impulse, Javier leans over and kisses the corner of his mouth. He’s entirely unprepared for the reaction it elicits, having hoped that it would be a consolation. Instead, Yuzuru’s mouth trembles as fat, clear drops pool in the corners of his eyes and slide down his face. Javier’s left stunned. He wasn’t aware the upgraded model was able to produce tears.

“I thought-” Yuzuru gasps, shaking his head. For a moment he seems so overwhelmed, as if he himself wasn’t prepared for how crying would feel like. Then he covers his face with both hands, hunching his shoulders. Javier’s frozen in his spot at this showcase of vulnerability. It’s not until a choked up noise escapes Yuzuru that he pulls him into the tight circle of his arms, rubbing his back.

“Hey, don’t think too much,” he reminds him. The wetness in Yuzuru’s face is warm as he presses his cheek to Javier’s.

“Thank you.”

Javier doesn’t ask for a clarification. He just holds him, until Yuzuru stops trembling. Then, carefully, he pulls them up from the couch, leading them to the door. With as much tenderness as he can muster, he helps Yuzuru put on his coat and wraps him up in his red scarf. Hastily pulling his own coat on, he makes an effort to grin.

“Let’s go out. It’s too boring staying inside.”

  
  
  
  
  
  


Javier hasn’t been to an amusement park since he was a kid. He can’t muster any of the excitement his younger self must have felt, but he tries to keep a smile on his face throughout the night. Yuzuru is mostly quiet by his side, going through the rides a little mechanically. If Javier didn’t know any better he’d say that there was a heavy kind of grief etched on his usually bright face, turning his limbs heavy.

On the ferris wheel, Yuzuru leans his head on his shoulder. “Thank you. You’re a really kind person, Javi.”

“Nonsense,” Javier jokes. With a heavy heart, he notices that Yuzuru is crying again. Helplessness presses down on him like a wet blanket, suffocating. “What’s wrong?” he whispers, his breath a puff of white air between their faces.

“I’m just happy to be here with you,” Yuzuru says, even though he looks nothing but miserable.

“You don’t look happy,” Javier points out gently. The cold wind stings his cheeks and with a start he realizes he’s tearing up too. How can he not, when Yuzuru looks like this, all lost and dejected.

Yuzuru shakes his head, then raises it so he can look at Javier directly. “I am,” he insists, stubborn as always. “You make me happy. I wish I could be enough to make you happy, too.”

Javier doesn’t know what to say. He doesn’t know how to properly explain and express the tangle in his chest, all the loud and quiet thoughts he gets every day, the flood of memories he’s incapable of stopping.

“You are enough,” he says in the end, because it’s true. It’s Javier who’s unable to appreciate it.

“Can we go home now?” Yuzuru whimpers. His tears are scorching hot against Javier’s cold throat.

“Yes, of course.”

  
  
  
  
  
  


Yuzuru takes a long while to come to bed that night. When he does, he hugs Javier close, tangling their legs together. “I love you,” he says, just like every night.

  
  
  
  
  
  


When Javier wakes up the next day, Yuzuru is lying immobile and silent on the bed next to him. He’s not breathing and he doesn’t respond to anything Javier says or does. A crumpled piece of paper is held in his loose fist, the name of a city Javier’s not heard of before scrawled onto it.

Javier hides in the kitchen with a cup of hot coffee in his trembling hands while waiting for the Maintenance Staff to arrive and can only think of, _Not again._ He can’t go through this again.

  


  


~

  


  


After Yuzuru is taken away, Javier keeps thinking of that simple note he left behind. That city is nowhere close, but Javier needs a break from feeling like he’s constantly holding his breath for something to happen. It’s probably the second time in his career that he asks for extended time off and he plans it all in secret. Renting the hotel room, booking the plane tickets. Like a ghost, he packs a suitcase and leaves, hoping to leave some of the weight behind. It follows him nonetheless, latched onto his shoulders and pressing down, down. 

Sometimes it’s hard to breathe. Other times it’s easier, when Javier is distracted, but that rarely happens. It’s like everything reminds him of Yuzuru; from the bright red scarf a woman happens to wear on the local train, to the swirly pasta the restaurant serves him. He’s reminded of Yuzuru’s cooking attempts, how he’d look at Javier expectantly, waiting for his judgment. _You can do better_, Javier would always say and Yuzuru would scrunch his face up in confusion, pout and then promise to try again. Perhaps Javier should have been kinder in his judging, should have admitted that he just liked the way Yuzuru’s cheeks would puff up when he crossed his arms and searched his database for another recipe.

He ends up liking the new city. _As expected of Yuzuru_, his brain jokes. It takes a lot of thinking and double the time he’d hoped for, but eventually his request for a transfer goes through. The rest of his team aren’t loud in their disappointment, but he can see it in their forlorn eyes, the way they look at him in barely concealed pity and premature longing. They get him a goodbye present that Javier pushes into one of the moving boxes, unopened. He knows he’s failed them, their expectations. But he can’t make himself heal when everything in that working space slides like a piece of glass under his flesh. He’s grateful that when it’s finally time to part, it’s done so with tentative promises of a reunion. Javier doesn't intend to burn bridges. He knows how important it is to hold onto these carefully constructed bonds even though they feel so fragile under the weight of his current situation.

He gets a new team in the department he’s transferred to. They ask him about his previous workplace and his reason for transferring and Javier smiles, all white teeth, and replies he needed a change of pace. They eventually stop after a while, accepting his polite distance. The truth is he terribly misses his old team, the camaraderie and the sense of a well-oiled machine that produced results with the minimum amount of effort. Now he finds himself unsure of how to approach the new people he’s met; how to get close enough to them so that this never ending feeling of loneliness subsides, if only for a bit.

He surprises himself by getting a cat, naming her Effie. She’s fat and sweet and likes to sleep on Javier’s feet in the night and on his lap during the day. Sometimes, the traitorous thought that Yuzuru would have liked her slips into his mind, but he’s quick to drown it out. Days pass, time merciless in its demands.

  
  
  
  
  
  


He is wandering home one evening, after an inspection. He’d spent the day sitting stiffly in his stuffy formal clothes, the weight of his gun digging into his hip. He hasn’t really been comfortable wearing it ever since the incident on the rooftop, but he tries not to think about that. Instead, he allows his feet to lead him wherever; one step after the other. He came here during the summer, but he hasn’t really explored much, too busy with work. Now it’s winter and he still feels new to the city, lost after a couple of turns.

He walks aimlessly, stopping every now and then to stare at window cases, his hands seeking warmth in his pockets. He forgot his gloves at home.

He stops in front of an electronics store. There’s a sale on earphones and Javier is tempted to check it out; his last pair broke a while ago and he’s been lowering the volume of his computer ever since, scared that he’ll annoy his neighbors while working in the middle of the night. He pulls out his phone to note down the location of the store. Despite the sun being close to setting, the low light still leaves a glare on his screen and he cups his hand around it in a protective barrier in order to see more clearly. Thankfully someone stands by his side, casting their shadow across his hands, and Javier can type more easily. He places a marker on the digital map on his screen, writing down the end of the sale and the range of prices.

“Ridiculous,” comes a scoff from his side, and Javier’s head shoots up. He knows that voice, he knows it like the back of his own hand.

Yuzuru is standing next to him, rolling his eyes at the earphones displayed and, _no_, it can’t be real. He’s wearing a coat and a beanie, carrying a backpack with a little teddy bear charm on the zipper. He’s wearing the ugliest shoes Javier’s ever seen. It _can’t_ be real.

Yuzuru, as a model, would eventually find itself in the market for a small number of clients who could afford him. But this is too soon. Could it be another one of those experimental models? And where was his assigned human?

Yuzuru turns around with a dramatic huff, his cheeks puffed up. He passes by Javier without a second glance, walking swiftly along the road. There’s a strange skip to his steps, like he’s almost dancing instead of simply walking.

Javier tails after him in this weird frozen state, dissociating, trying to understand what’s going on. He doesn’t have half the mind to be discreet about it and he’s found out relatively quickly. He can tell when Yuzuru realizes he’s been followed, because he quickly changes his course, cutting his way through a park, his steps quickening in their pace. Javier wants to shout at him that if he’s feeling unsafe, going through a dimly lit park is not a good idea.

When Javier matches his rhythm Yuzuru must reach his breaking point, because he turns around to face him.

“Why are you following me? Who are you?” Javier is once again stunned at the familiar voice, the memories it dredges up. Yuzuru is now holding his bag in front of him, brandishing it like a weapon, but otherwise he looks harmless. He’s breathing fast, obviously panicked, one hand curled into a fist and pressed against his chest, like some kind of protective barrier.

Javier doesn’t answer for awhile, and looks his fill. It’s the same Yuzu, yet not. He looks softer somehow, more tired, and there’s a drop of sweat sliding down his temple. His face is pale and there’s some redness on his jaw, the skin there irritated and breaking out slightly.

Despite the pressing nature of the moment, Javier is momentarily impressed. The second model he got was upgraded in so many subtle ways, so much more life-like than the original, and now this. Yuzuru looks even more realistic, all those tiny imperfections. Javier considers the irony; how, in the end, the only way to really make androids more like humans is to give them all the same physical and mental weaknesses as them.

He raises his arm, not sure for what reason exactly, perhaps to reach out for him, touch him or calm him down, but it only seems to aggravate the android more. Yuzuru gives a desperate swing with the bag he’s holding.

“Oh god,” he wheezes out, his eyes glued on Javier’s hip, where his gun is showing now that his coat is pulled aside a little. Ah. Javier slowly digs into his pocket, making sure Yuzuru can see where his hands are going so he won’t give himself an aneurysm. 

“Calm down-”

“Stay away from me!” Yuzuru cries out as he takes a series of backward steps. The next moment he’s going down, his shoe caught in a crack on the pebbled sidewalk. He lands on his ass, his hand instinctively reaching back to brace him for the impact. He hisses at the contact with the sharp rocks of the flowerbed he’s landed on.

Javier brings out his police ID, holds it in steady fingers in front of him so Yuzuru can see it properly in the fading light.

“My name is Javier Fernandez, I’m a police detective. There’s no reason for you to panic, I just want to have a word with you.”

Yuzuru’s face is pinched with worry as he clutches his hurt hand. “Police? I didn’t do anything wrong,” he says quickly, looking more upset by the second.

“I know, there’s nothing for you to worry about. I would just like to have a talk with you, off the records. I’m not on duty right now.”

Yuzuru doesn’t look entirely convinced as he stares at Javier appraisingly, but it seems like the will to fight has left him. “Okay,” he says, suspicion lingering in his body, even as he resigns to his fate.

Javier smiles encouragingly. “Thank you. Here, let me help you.” He makes to crouch down, but Yuzuru stops him with a shake of his head.

“No, it’s okay, I’m fine,” he says as he picks himself up. He’s gingerly cradling his hurt hand, where he must have cut or scraped himself when he fell and Javier raises an eyebrow at that. He wonders if the new design has more pain sensitivity, because he clearly remembers the sturdy endurance of Yuzuru’s artificial skin and the strong metal underneath. 

But then Yuzuru turns his hand around and Javier can’t help the pained sound that wrenches itself out his throat, choking him up.

There’s a cut on Yuzuru’s palm, bleeding red, dripping slightly down his wrist. Red and alive and. He’s alive. He must be, unless the new models have somehow foregone the usual purple color and are now brandishing even more human-like qualities.

Javier’s brain is overloading with the information and he scans the body standing in front of him again. He takes note of the slight dark circles under Yuzuru’s eyes, his chapped lips, the nervous hunch of his shoulders and the still labored breathing. Then the redness on his hand, the bigger cut and the smaller abrasions surrounding it.

“God,” he whispers and half the reason he clutches Yuzuru’s -no it must be someone else, someone alive with their own name, their own family- shoulders is because he feels like he won’t be able to stay upright if he doesn’t. “What’s your name,” Javier’s mouth forms the words with difficulty and Yuzuru looks a little panicked again.

“Yuzuru,” he says, hesitantly, and Javier feels like he’s about to vomit. Same voice, same face, same name.

“But you’re alive. You’re a human?”

Yuzuru looks at him weirdly, confused and still more than a little scared and uneasy, if his wild breathing is anything to go by. “Yes?” 

“But-” Javier shakes him a little, barely aware that his tight grip might be painful. “You were an android.”

Yuzuru’s eyes widen and finally the panic clears from his eyes, replaced by realization. “Wait, are you- Are you- The beta model?” he asks and Javier is utterly relieved that Yuzuru seems to know what’s going on, but at the same time he’s still so confused.

“There was an android with your face and he was my partner-” it sounds ridiculous put this way, but Yuzuru seems to understand as he cuts him off.

“Yeah, I know, I modeled for it.”

“You-” Javier’s head is reeling and he tries to breathe before he speaks again. “And you were okay with that? With someone else wearing your face, doing God knows that? Is this even legal? No one informed me about-”

“Shit, are you okay?” Yuzuru looks worried now and Javier shakes his head, his hands leaving Yuzuru’s shoulders to cradle his face.

“I watched you die,” Javier croaks out.

“You’re hyperventilating, I think,” Yuzuru says a little stiffly, staying still, obviously uncomfortable at having a stranger touch him this way. But he doesn’t shake Javier off, his face torn between curiosity and concern, a soft flush high on his cheeks and across the bridge of his nose at the unexpected contact. “Try to breathe slowly. Just follow my lead, like this.” Yuzuru inhales deeply, holds the air in his lungs for a few seconds and then exhales loudly, his expression urging Javier to do the same. 

Javier can’t really bring himself to do so, falling deeper into a dark pit of unwanted memories, of the first time he had to watch Yuzuru bleed out on that roof, that same dreadful panic coming back, stronger than ever. He’s had countless nightmares about it, but being forced to relive that specific moment so vividly leaves him entirely helpless, scrubbed raw. As the seconds drag on, though, Yuzuru is still there in front of him; eyes bright, his voice a little demanding as he instructs Javier to breathe again. Javier parts his lips and it’s painful, but the first gulp of air soothes his straining lungs and it’s easier to go from there, find a rhythm again. He slumps weakly against Yuzuru, not sure his legs can hold him up anymore.

“Woah. Hey, it’s okay,” Yuzuru keeps repeating, awkwardly trying to pat Javi’s back without ruining his coat with his hurt hand. Javier is aware he’s just made a spectacle of himself, that he needs to offer some kind of explanation, pull himself together. 

He doesn’t know where to start from, how to explain this whole mess.

“Will you be okay if I leave you here for a second? I’m gonna get you some water,” Yuzuru says. “Just for a minute,” he reassures when Javier makes a protesting noise. 

“I’m fine,” Javier lies through his teeth. “Your hand...”

“It doesn’t hurt much.” That’s probably a lie too. “Come on, let’s go somewhere warm, then we can talk.”

  
  
  
  
  
  


“Sorry about that. It was, ah, an extreme reaction on my behalf.”

Yuzuru shrugs and slurps on his juice. “It’s okay. I guess no one ever informed you that I existed.”

Now that they’re sitting down, surrounded by other people, Javier feels a lot calmer. For some reason he’s reminded of the first week he got to spend with Yuzuru, working on a last minute assignment, trying to keep his concentration from straying to the person sitting on the opposite side of his office, wondering what makes him tick. 

There are differences, of course. Yuzuru would always order water and leave the glass untouched, sitting straight, hands carefully folded in his lap. This Yuzuru is a lot more restless, his elbows on the table, sizing Javier up with mischievous eyes as he swirls his colorful straw around, chasing the ice cubes in his glass.

“I know it’s not my place to ask, but how did you even get roped into this? Becoming the model for an android?”

Yuzuru’s face scrunches up and Javier feels his insides twist painfully. All the tiny mannerisms are there. It’s not just the face, even these small personality quirks seem to have been modeled after Hanyu. As Javier’s gaze trails lower, noticing the familiar beauty marks on Yuzuru’s throat, he can’t help but wonder how much more of his body was used as a base for the final product. He takes a sip of his burning coffee and it dispels that trail of thought before it starts taking root into his mind, making him curious.

“It was more of a personal favor. I still got compensation and all, but, you know. I wouldn’t have agreed to it otherwise.” His tone clearly indicates that he’s not comfortable sharing more information regarding the subject and Javier nods in understanding.

“What do you do then, if you’re not involved in that area of business?”

“I work at the ice rink, near the modern art museum.”

“You play hockey?” Javier realizes how dumb the question is as soon as it leaves his mouth, but Yuzuru laughs good naturedly nonetheless. Javier knows -knew- Yuzuru’s body, had experienced the delicate build of his limbs on multiple intimate occasions. There’s no way he’d be doing hockey with those noodle arms.

“I skate. Figure skating,” Yuzuru says, a clarification that’s not really needed.

“Ah. Are you any good?”

Yuzuru raises his eyebrows with a small smile. “I’d say so, yeah.”

“Ah,” Javier repeats, not really knowing what to say to that. He thinks back to that muted moment in the train, months ago. Thinks about Yuzuru, the first version of him, staring at the pamphlets for the renovated ice rink with curiosity. Javier’s always regretted not taking him when they had the chance. Perhaps Yuzuru would have been good, perhaps there had been a variety of moves programmed into him, considering the human he was modeled after. He’d look beautiful on the ice, Javier is sure of it. He’d look happy.

“Have you tried it?” Yuzuru’s voice shakes him out of the brief reminiscing bubble he’s slipped into.

“Skating? No, I don’t think I’d be good at it.” 

“You could be wrong,” Yuzuru points out, his head tilted to the side and Javier’s frozen on the spot. He could never say no to that face, the mischievous curl of his mouth.

“Is this an invitation?” he asks slowly and Yuzuru hums as he takes a sip from his fruity drink.

“Do you want it to be?” Yuzuru fires back, and it’s muffled by the straw in his mouth.

Javier thinks about it. “And you’d be my trainer?” he asks in the end, genuinely curious.

“Depends on my schedule, but it can be arranged,” Yuzuru nods.

“Ah. Sure, then? As long as you don’t make fun of me when I inevitably break my back trying to stay upright.”

Yuzuru muffles his giggle around his colorful straw and stretches out a hand to pat Javier’s arm comfortingly. “I’m a good teacher, don’t worry.”

They’re both aware of Yuzuru’s hand lingering longer than necessary on Javier’s bicep, before he pulls it back, placing it around his glass again.

Javier is curious and can’t help the question that bubbles up unexpectedly.

“Doesn’t it make you uncomfortable? That I already seem to have certain feelings regarding your person? That I might treat you differently based on someone else’s actions and not yours?”

“Honestly? Yeah, it is kinda freaky when you think of it this way. But it’s also fascinating? It feels like someone just told me that I was a detective before getting amnesia or something, and now I get to uncover all this secret stuff from the past!”

It’s such a playfully unique way to consider their situation and it prompts Javi to ask, “How old are you?”

“Twenty five. I was twenty two when they first made a digital mold out of me. They did call me in for retouches over the past couple years, of course, and there were a lot of tweaks here and there. Especially in the face and how the muscles moved during speech, but I’m not sure which version you ended up getting? I never really saw the finished product.”

“I see.”

“Doesn’t it make _you_ uncomfortable? Being here with me and knowing I’m not the android you used to know? I mean, you obviously look like you had a... complicated relationship.”

Javier snorts at this. “Yeah, it was complicated alright. And I don’t know. I guess I’m mostly fascinated, like you said.” He inclines his head to the left. “Then again, I did watch you die. Twice.”

Yuzuru makes a face. “I know it doesn’t make sense, because I’ve only just met you, but I feel kinda responsible for that. It must have been annoying, having a partner that keeps letting you down. Sorry I couldn’t be enough,” he says lightly, a joke, but it still stings, hearing someone talk about Yuzu this way.

“Don’t be. Your android was one of the best things that’s happened to our department. I’m sure the guys still miss him.” _I do._

Yuzuru grins sharply. “Oh, no. Now I’m starting to feel competitive.”

Javier gawks at him and Yuzuru chuckles as he puts down his glass and gets up, putting on his coat. “You should come to the ice rink when you’re free. I think you’ll like it,” he says and holds out his hand expectantly. “Your phone.”

It takes Javier a second to understand, to give it to him so that Yuzuru can type in what Javier assumes is the rink’s number. Or his personal number, for all Javier knows.

“You have a cat?” Yuzuru asks, eyes glowing with mirth and with what seems like newfound appreciation.

“How do you know?” Javier asks dumbly and almost blushes at the sly look Yuzuru gives him. Of course. His phone background.

“Are you sure you’re a detective? Or am I just that distracting?”

Javier chooses to ignore that comment, unsettled at how it makes his stomach tie itself into a knot. “Her name’s Effie.”

“Pretty name for a pretty lady,” Yuzuru coos at the picture. “I love cats,” he adds, a clarification that’s clearly unnecessary. 

“I couldn’t tell,” Javier says with a raised eyebrow. Yuzuru just laughs, setting the phone carefully on the table, and the sound trickles like warm honey in Javier’s ears.

“See you soon. Hopefully. Maybe I can meet Effie one day.” Yuzuru waves at him with one last blinding smile and then he’s gone, the little door chime clinking behind him as he leaves.

  
  
  
  
  
  


Javier doesn’t call. He doesn’t delete the contact either, but he’s not sure what he wants out of this, what Yuzuru might be expecting from him. He looks the rink up, their website. Yuzuru’s picture is there, under the tab for coaching staff. 

It’s tempting to toy with the idea but Javier is reluctant to follow up on this weird feeling of curiosity, this desire to know more about Yuzuru, what he’s really like, how much of his personality made it to the artificial product. It’s digging up old wounds, and Javier spends a good number of days unable to sleep out of fear for the nightmares or, even worse, the other dreams; the ones where Yuzuru is there with him, his body warm and real, the taste of his sweat tangible on Javier’s tongue; the ones where he has a real heart pumping in his chest and he bleeds little red lines when Javier racks his nails down his back.

He gives in eventually, and it feels like a stab to his pride but he drops by the ice rink. He’s determined to be discreet about it, hide behind the parents that are there to pick their kids up, but he ends up stepping closer to the boards anyway, tempted to get a better look at the slim figure flying over the ice. Yuzuru spots him easily enough and his face lights up brighter than the Christmas lights in the lobby. Maybe that’s why he shows off before finishing the session, doing some sort of circular movement with one of his legs folded and extended sideways, his torso almost touching the ice. Javier doesn’t know what it’s called, but it looks beautiful.

Javier lingers back quietly, waiting until it’s just him and Yuzuru left.

“Hi,” Yuzuru says as he beckons him closer to where he’s perched up along the boards. “Sooo, are you getting your skates on?” Yuzuru asks impishly, looking excited at the prospect.

Javier hums. “Yeah, I guess.”

“Good. You’ll do fine, I promise.”

He doesn’t, but he learns that Yuzuru throws his head all the way back when he laughs, accompanied by the most obnoxious honking sound Javier’s ever heard, eyes screwed shut. 

Javier had gotten so used to a mellow version of him. Yuzu didn’t laugh often, mostly stayed quiet by Javier’s side, his moves always calculated and smooth, his voice soft. Yuzuru is almost the exact opposite; a bundle of nervous energy that’s too big and loud to be contained in his slim body.

He’s still so beautiful, it makes Javier’s insides twist in a painful mix of pain and longing as he surrenders to watching him from solid ground once again, tired of falling on his ass every five seconds. He barely had the rental skates on for 15 minutes and his feet already feel like blistering all over. He’s content to sit out the rest of the session and watch from behind the boards.

When Yuzuru extends his right leg backwards and up, high enough to grab it with one of his hands in a way that brings his foot above his head, the muscles in his thighs straining at the stretch, Javier coughs into his fist, the taste of something vile lodged in his throat.

He tries to drown the question in the bottle of water that Yuzuru offered him before they started, but it manages to slip out nonetheless. “Don’t you ever feel violated? That someone could see your body, take advantage of it without your consent?”

Caught by surprise, it’s the first time that Yuzuru seems genuinely ruffled by the whole android discussion that’s been their common link so far. He frowns. “It’s not my body. It’s a machine,” he says as he makes his way to the boards, grabbing a tissue to dab at his sweaty forehead. His tissue case is a bear too.

“It felt like more than that,” Javier whispers and it’s difficult, to finally admit that, to be honest with himself.

Frown deepening, Yuzuru straightens himself a little. “So, did you?”

“What?”

“Take advantage of it.” 

Javier’s not sure what to say. Admitting the truth would obviously make Yuzuru uncomfortable, despite him insisting that he’s not affected by this kind of thing. Hiding the fact he had sex with an android is something that would salvage a huge chunk of his pride, but might come and bite him in the ass later, under the assumption that his relationship with Yuzuru would continue past this one chance meeting.

“That’s kinda gross,” Yuzuru says and Javier raises an eyebrow, trying to keep his expression neutral.

“I didn’t even say anything.”

Yuzuru rolls his eyes. “You don’t have to, your face speaks for itself.”

“Does it bother you?”

Yuzuru shrugs. “A little, I guess.”

Javier hangs his head, the shame hitting him once again in full force. Giving in to that want had been something he could never truly forgive himself about, in retrospect. It was much easier to lose his head in the haze of the moment, to forget that Yuzuru wasn't a real human while it was happening. It was after all was said and done that the guilt that had been buried bubbled to the surface.

Frown deepening, Yuzuru pushes off the ice, grabbing his skate guards. “Do you really expect me to compete with a perfect machine that’s not even around anymore?” he asks, but he doesn’t sound as irritated as Javier had feared he would.

“No. No, I don’t.”

“I can’t be a substitute for whatever it is you had with him. I can only be my own person. You should remember that.” His tone is not unkind, but he doesn’t give Javier time to reply, grabbing his towel and tissue box and making his way towards the locker room.

  
  
  
  
  
  


Javier waits for him outside, thinking, watching his breath form a small white cloud in the freezing cold. He thinks about everything, about whether this is a chance for him to have what he’s wanted for so long. Yuzu by his side, alive. Yuzuru by his side, alive. Getting to know him, hopefully loving him just as much. Maybe getting loved in return. Knowing these feelings are genuine. That constant thorn in his side, the thought that he’s being selfish, demanding from Yuzu to feel things he was incapable of comprehending, finally removed.

When Yuzuru comes back out, smelling clean and drowning in a long red scarf, he seems surprised to see Javier is still there. It quickly melts to a pleased smile as he links their fingers together.

“Let’s get dinner,” Yuzu says.

  
  
  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> A couple notes:
> 
> (1) Yes, the premise of the story is very loosely inspired by the videogame "Detroit: Become human". I haven't played it (heard it's not that good).  
(2) I wrote the cat cafe scene before the footage of Yuzu petting that kitty dropped. Did I call it into existence? That's up for debate.  
(3) The idea of Yuzu's heart waltzing in a three-beat rhythm belongs to Tess, who was kind enough to explain to me the theory behind it with a very vivid audio example. I trusted her, even thought at first I didn't really understand.  
(4) Yes, I do deeply regret everything. This story was supposed to be about the shenanigans of detective Javi and his assistant Yuzubot solving cases together and having a blast bickering at any given chance, I honestly don't know where it went wrong :c  
(5) Find me on twitter at [@ssetoso](https://twitter.com/ssetoso) and on tumblr at [@ssetoso](https://ssetoso.tumblr.com/)!


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